Nope. I'm not fine.
It's a concept that's a little hard to talk about - with anyone. It was hard before and even harder now and I can't think of anything more important to discuss right now - isolated - alone in our thoughts - than mental health.
I'm finding it difficult to concentrate, complete tasks, get errands done, make plans, celebrate, have fun, be in public spaces, be alone, be with 1 person all the time (no matter how amazing she is), sleep, eat, find new things that interest me, read, allow myself to disconnect from the internet and get bored, turn my brain off, turn my brain on, watch the news, not watch the news, call my family, call anyone, take showers, eat healthy.... nope!
After years of being an adult and learning how to cope with my own crazy 'normal' mood swings with exercise and taking pride in moderating/balancing my personal life to meld into the cultural norms and expectations of 'healthy', well, is it no long concerning to not be concerned?
All of my normal support systems are quashed - HUGS! coffee out one on one with a friend, funny podcasts, adventures to bars and museums, dinners with family....
My daily doses of wellness are gardening, cooking, my job and my wife - and it's not enough. It's not.
Coney Island Brewery - started a new mantra I noticed on instagram - it's ok not to be ok
Trying and retrying and retrying to re gauge and temp check myself against what is happening and make things 'ok'. To make sense of things. To try harder and do better and work harder and everything will be 'ok'
Well,
It's not ok.
I'm not ok.
The piece of sage advice I hear from those I love and trust the most - my wife, my mother, my best friends, my therapist - to love one another - everyone is having a no good very bad day - everyone is not ok - everyone is hurting - So, sending out my care bear stare of love to all of you in my not ok'ness - in my imperfections and lack of control of the world around me. I can still love.
2 comments:
Yes! I think you pretty much nailed it. I think we are all feeling a little bit like that but it is in our nature to not talk about it, so I am glad you are putting yourself out there! I hope that you find that something, whatever it is, that keeps you from going too far down a rabbit hole! I know for me, it is often running, or the conversations that go along with the running, but even that has not quite been the same. Hang in there! We are all in this together, even when we are apart! <3 <3 <3
Thanks for this, I needed to read it today. Big hugs to you both!
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