Siddartha

A boyfriend in college lent it to me to read when I was 18 - I'm almost 40 - Something I've been thinking a lot about is how much Siddartha changed thru the years - going thru times of hunger - fortune - friendships - relationships - isolation -  good, bad, pretty and ugly all on a road towards self, because in the end that's all we have.  There's probably a lot more to the story I'm forgetting - all that deeper meaning ethical moral high ground - be a good person stuff stuff - Buddha life - karma, energies - I know I know I'm missing a lot... but that process of living - time going by and life changing so drastically - that's the bit I can't get out of my head.

Since starting this blog back in 2009 just coming into my own making big adult decisions like moving and traveling (11 years ago now) - I have changed so much and yet I haven't changed at all.  I'm so rich in memories and experiences.  So lucky to have known and loved so many people.  So many special friendships and time spent talking and learning and laughing - people who helped me become my current self and I felt so fortunate to know and spend time with.

The hippy young musician with the photographer engineer husband traveling the world became a New Yorker Corporate Executive Assistant with a dog and a country home and a cheese selling wife with a big loud raucuous New Yorker Jewish Brooklyn family. 

Somehow, over 11 years - I changed and yet...I'm still me!  I'll grant you - maybe my brother and parents are the the only others on this planet who have met the many cat lives of Sarah - one after another after another.  Is it good?  Is it bad?  Have I made the best decisions?  Have I possibly made huge mistakes but did the best I could at the time? Could I have done better?  Dude....who knows!  

I don't play music anymore.  Or read books.  Or run. 

But...I garden.  Listen to A LOT of podcasts.  I read and write for a living and organize amazing people's lives from my living room....I even get health insurance for it.

I don't sleep in tents on beaches in Thailand.  Or bike 20 miles for beer.  Or read a novel in one day.  

I walk Penny along the bay and watch her sniff other dogs butts, I cuddle on the sofa with my wife watching crappy 90's rom coms and I eat an INSANE amount of amazing cheese.

I'm not 'in shape' but I'm not all that pudgy.  I like my face and I like how I look in a dress.

I still drink a lot of beer - don't care about fancy coffee and love grocery shopping.

Am I closer today to knowing who I am - than I was 10 years ago?  20 years ago?  Am I actualized?!?  

HA!  HELL'S NO! 

I can say...this girl knows how she likes to eat her eggs, drink her coffee and spend a Sunday afternoon.  

On this gayest weekend of all weekends - I'm grateful to all those amazing people all shapes, sizes, genders and ages that have helped this queer come into her current freckly slightly wrinkly but very happy skin.  

xoxoxo,

Sarah (puppy mom, home owner, friend, lover, wife, straight haired, bisexual/lesbian)