I/me

I am in all likelihood what people now call a they/them...I'm 80% butch wearing outdoor gear and knee high rain boots everywhere I go - I'm often the one in my queer relationship to do the manly grunt work or kill a bug and I love that - walking the land or doing yard work, if someone were to walk out and find me in my happy place - I probably look like a dude!  The same could likely be true for me wife - we are both pretty in touch with our masculine sides let's just say.  

But.... I have long hair in a bun, and once in a blue I throw on a dress for funsies and a little lipstick and heels for the wow factor and just love that feeling of femininity flowing out of me!...but like, once a year!  I honestly prefer to go without any pronouns or have people call me whatever they're comfortable calling me, and after 39 years of being a she - I'm pretty all right with that concept and understanding and actually - it being Women's month - pretty darn proud of being included in that category and all the struggles and proud moments that come with it!

My mom called it a few years ago when I came out to her and talked a little also about gender identity - she said...."Sarah, YOU ARE A SARAH!  Always have been always will be."

After that, I don't know why but a weight was lifted.  I knew.  My mom has always apparently known as moms sometimes do.  My wife knows.  My therapist is pretty cool with it.  I can talk about things when they come up to people I love when I get frustrated and they go.. oh sure yeah of course!  You're you!  that makes sense! 

I'm realizing that although I've been on my own queer advanture thru life - the world is a changin'!!!

There's a gay fad phenomemon going on right now which is...AMAZING?!?!?  but possibly confusing!   It's cool to be gay who knew!!!  There's the slightest chance that beautiful young queers are looking around at the world looking FOR people like THEMSELVES and asking...  "WHERE ARE YOU?"  

I remember craving queer role models as a kid - any anywhere - I'd find butch gay women in the randomest of places and latch on most of them not publicly out - fascinated by who they were and wanting to know everything!  Teachers.  Friends of friends.  Celebrities.  I was drawn to them and their intense beauty and power but never close enough to ask the real nitty gritty questions - lists of questions - private personal intimate shouldn't ask questions - what I still want to know actually - because it's me really figuring myself out as I go too!  Do you shop in the mens section too or do you buy your clothes online to avoid the stares?  Isn't it frustrating the pants never fit right?  Where do you go for your haircut or do you do it yourself?  Do you feel forced to wear makeup or do you like it?  

YOU QUEER KIDS TODAY (said in my old lady cranky voice) didn't grow up in the same culture of Ellen getting cancelled and Churches shutting doors...  wedding cakes not being sold with little man and man toppers because the bakery refused... AIDS!  When I was in high school, as the first woman was admitted to West Point (and hazed out), gays were being thrown out of the military or told to keep it secret with 'don't ask don't tell'.  Health insurance didn't cover adoption or IVF - so no chance of having a family - I didn't even know what IVF was!  I would turn on the news and hear about a boy in a small town getting beaten to death for being gay, as I packed my high school bags and applied to go to an arts high school my Junior/Senior year not 'just' to study music, but find a refuge to be myself and feel included - to find others like me who were "Jennys" and "Steve's" and "Emily's" and I did!  At all different places and parts of that beautiful queer spectrum - and I haven't stopped now no matter where I've gone and it's magical.

That being said, there's so many added levels now to all these big decisions for young queers I didn't have to worry about - because I didn't have to decide!  I could just be whatever I was - no label!  I gave myself a lot of time to slowly unravel my puzzle - discovering who I was a little piece at a time thru college and friends and boyfriends and girl friends and roommates and messy silly funny moments - now husbands (just the one) and wives (also just the one) and lots of beautiful happy relationships shining me on towards my me-ness still - every day!

So now, the question is - how do I help and be there for that next generation of queers?  How do I support and show love for them to be the best them's they can be?  I guess maybe it's just being me?  Existing and choosing to be loud and present about it in my me ness exactly as I am and looking forward to what that next beautiful generation will bring and create to make a better world from what I grew up in and generations before.