another decade down

I'd like to believe that this is one of those big moments in life where everything is about to change forever...and it is one of those moments...but so is every other moment I've lived so far!

I keep having these big dreamy emotional thoughts about my life and life in general...shoulds and shouldn'ts, what I'm supposed to be doing, what I should be doing better, what I do, own, think, watch....

I attribute all of this bullshit and unnecessary self analysis to turning 30!
It's crap.  Total crappers.  Or am I just pissed because I'm finally there and there's no going back.

Like this list of 30 for turning 30..half of me is totally marking off every detail and considering to purchase a new sofa, umbrella and bra....the other half is going..."Seriously?  Really?  I don't have time for this."

Shoulds.  Woulds.  Coulds.

A baby.
A house.
A job.
A relationship.
A workout routine.
A balanced diet.
A sleep pattern.

Like it's a race to check it all off and get it down before time runs out....my body clock is ticking loud enough as it is without adding more pressure and requirements to who I am.

The one thing I dearly miss from traveling....that feeling that life was not in my own hands....that I simply was, and amidst it all, I was a little spec, this little creature running around like everybody else and all the daily details of woulds and coulds and shoulds....totally out of my control to do anything about. 

What was simply was and that was that.
I miss that feeling...so so much.
That being said, I'm a total control freak, and it literally takes putting me in the middle of nowhere to get that feeling....I don't think I'm meant to roam the desert the rest of my life, just so I stop worrying about expectations.

Oh 30.  You're a piece work...yes you are!