Hair color: brown
Body type: strong and muscular
Name: Chocolate
While visiting a family friend in Talca Chile, we were in process of grilling some meat outside and I got a bit cold, so I decided to get my jacket out of the car. I walked out the front door and was immediately greeted by their large and husky puppy Chocolate with the doormat in his mouth....he looked so cute and innocent, so I gave him a pat on the head and a little tug-o-war with his doormat.....
Meet Chocolate:
He's a bigger dog, but I've been around bigger....I'm not worried.
I made sure to close the door, so Chocolate wouldn't let himself in and of course when I tried the handle after it shut, realized I had just locked myself out...it's ok....I'll just call for help once I grab my coat!
As soon as I opened the trunk, I felt little paws wrap around my knee and shorly after that....
a rhythmic motion....
yup.
that's right.
I was being humped by Chocolate
Ok, no problem, I've been humped by dogs before, as long as no one sees, I'll be fine.
But Chocolate was having fun.
I closed the trunk, coat in hand and decided to head around the corner of the house, where I knew R man could see me and let me into the house...but, of course, Chocolate was in no mood...err....in the mood not to move. When I tried to lift my leg, I realized I couldn't. I was literally 'pinned' to the spot!
So then I decided to panic!
I first started screaming for help...not too loud to not wake the neighbors, "Rodolfo!?!" "Yoo Hoo!?!" "Rodooolfoooo?!?"
and I waited....and got humped.....
no response.
So then, I tried to push lovely Chocolate off my leg, which I think he then misinterpreted my fore arm as fore play and latched on with his jaws of death.....
and the real screaming began!
"AAAAAHHHH!!!!!! (very high pitched...as I was envisioning my arm becoming a new puppy toy in a corner somewhere) RODOLFO! HELP! RODOLFOOOOO!!!!!!! AHHHH!!! AHH!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!"
I looked down at a very happy Chocolate with with a glint of fun in his eye and shiny white perfectly lined sharp teeth my mind went blank and I had no idea what to do.
Oh my god. He's going to EAT ME! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!!!!!!!!
So I did what you are very much NOT supposed to do....
Like running in front of a bear....
Stepping on a snake....
Talking about the vikings in front of a Packers fan....
I started to chaotically shake my arm around, hoping lovely Chocolate would let go. Yup. That was me! Screaming like a banchee, flailing my arm around in a driveway with Chocolate attached growling in a very eerily satisfied way....awesome!
I somehow startled Chocolate out of his exciting chew toy with an outstretched leg which he immediately took interest in. (I thought that might be more difficult for him to chew off and I was losing the feeling in my arm, accept for the spots where tooth met skin.)
First he gnawed the bow off my shoe, then took hold of my pants, I like my pants!, so I started swatting him with my jacket, which was oh so much fun for Chocolate....all of course while trying to slowly creep towards the door, screaming away in a sort of slurred spanglish mix of profanity and things I thought sounded like Spanish that somewhere in my terror stricken brain, I thought might entice Chocolate to stop...all while Chocolate chewed/jumped/pulled/growled away happily....at this point I couldn't look anymore....like watching a train wreck...my poor shoes....
"Pare!"
"Ahora"
"No mas!!!!"
"OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO DIE!"
"*%$#@$%&%$##$%^&&%$#%^&&%$"!!!!!
You get the idea ....
and then the humping began yet again....
which allowed me to maneuver close enough to the front door to ballistically slam down my fist in chaotic rhythms in between humps in hope someone might remember I existed and come and save me.....
#$%^*^$$#@%^!
...hump...
where is....$%^$...
...hump....
what the $&*%...
...hump...
it's been an hour ^%$#
...hump...
you call yourself a $%^&%$ husband!
After what seemed like hours (probably 15 minutes max), I could hear hilarious laughter as heads appeared at the opened door...as I was close to tears with terror, at first I couldn't quite understand what was so funny....
***A disheveled women with a disparaged look on her face with dog 'attached'***
Rodolfo: (of course, jerk) "HA! HA! HA! Sarah! How could you!?! HA! HA! HA!"
Thank GOD they didn't have video surveillance!
We are NOT getting a dog.
Happy to be of service Chocolate.
Leave the money on the lawn.
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