state of mind

a few weeks ago as an incentive to get a $35 rebate from my insurance company, I took an online survey of my health...I had THOUGHT I was in perfect ship shape....the survey did not, apparently my diet and exercise regimen was way under par from what it should be, but the most "important" area of my life that needed "immediate and extreme" improvement according to this survey was my mental health.

I was to seek psychiatric and potentially prescription drug help immediately for my "depression".

MY WHAT?!?!?!?

I thought I was doing pretty good!  Still do actually.

But, of course, once an online survey has you second guessing yourself, everything else follows suit.
I jumped on to daily pilates videos and started pushing myself to drink and eat a little more healthfully....you know, like water and salad along with my beer and cheese sandwiches.
totally good stuff, right?!?  I think so!
Then there was the recent work related conversations with coworkers where I'm slowly realizing that I'm a bit of a push over....that I don't stand up for myself in the ways that I should
and then today....my bakery coworkers have some important news to share with me, apparently there's some book/way of thinking called "the power of now"which I'm immediately pretty skeptic of...guys...really....I don't want any part of your little cult...but then, the next coworker walks thru...
"Hey Bob (name changed of course), do you know this whole the power of now b.s.?"
"Oh yeah....something something something...related to some higher way of thinking and being ...blah blah blah..."
and then....Julie (name changed)..same deal..
and then....Greg (name changed as well)  of course!  By that author so and so...yeah...good stuff...
and ...yeah...so Greg continues on...."it's like when you're traveling and you just get into this certain place in your mind where you just are...all the banter inside your head floats away, it's inside you"...

I'm still not buying it, but....it's hooked me in....that memory of just being...that certainty that if I just stayed positive and confident in myself, things would work out, and they did!

To be honest....this is exactly something I've been thinking a lot about recently and haven't had words for...remembering back and longing for the certain mental state/feeling/experience of just living in a very simple way, and just sort of believing and knowing that things were going to work out.....and now that I'm back "in it" ...working/paying rent/scheduled into place for the next 2 years, that frame of thinking has sort of faded away to more of sense of...well...not depressed, just being lost...not really feeling like anything is right, doubting every decision, every purchase, feeling a sense of frailty and failure and not knowing why or what is causing it...but something isn't right.

So maybe yeah...just maybe today was the day that I need to wake up, maybe this book could help, maybe it's time to seek some help, admit I don't feel happy and find the confidence to reach out and find it!

It's time to burst this god damn bubble holding me in and figure out how to get out!  With a schedule and all the real life drama that comes with day to day living, I need to get back on track and do what's right for me and try to find that feeling of ...well....whatever it is where happiness is found.

Maybe I'll find it reading this freaky Western spiritualesque book...maybe something else, but I'm breaking out, and soon from whatever funk this is I'm in!!!  So rock!