At last, I have some whining and complaining to do about this beloved beautiful city we are falling in love with...and today, after the day I've had, it's a list! A GREAT BIG LIST!
I really thought that I might bring a little Minnesota nice to this city, but today, TODAY! Brooklyn has gotten to me. Parents, grandparents, avert your eyes from this entry, and know...I'm ok...just ornery.
I feel like Brooklynite hipsters, more then any other category of city dwellers, feel they have something to prove, just by walking down the street...how they are dressed, how they walk, what their bike looks like, what music they're blaring from their speakers in their backpack...yeah, there's a lot going on with ones personal style, however! COME ON PEOPLE! SHOW SOME BLEEPING COURTESY! GROW THE BLEEP UP! BE BLEEPING NICE!
- Do NOT order food or beverage until you are FINISHED with your phone conversation. I don't care who you bleeping are and what city you bleeping live in, that is BLEEPING RUDE! I also don't care what you bleeping do for a living and how much money you bleeping make, you are disrespecting the food server you are ordering from by continuing your conversation in front of them and involving them into your bleeping horrible sounding life you are living...you bleeping need some yoga or massage or meditation in your life you big bleep. This also goes for people talking into their headphones....you are bleeping ordering from me! Not the guy on the phone! Shame on you! Go bleep yourself!
- Fixie Bikers, I know you are in a hurry, but when a women is crossing the street with a stroller and a small child holding her hand, you bleeping stop! The appropriate thing is to let them cross! Particularly when they have the right of way! Also...what's the bleeping hurry? What are you sooooo late to that you want to run over a mother and her children? Where's the bleeping fire? You need to go have a flat white at a certain time so that you are properly caffeinated for the afternoon and don't miss happy hour an hour later exactly because you can't afford a beer in this city? ...ok...I sympathize with you on that one....but seriously, slow the bleep down once in a while. Enjoy the bleeping view you bleep! YOU are the ones giving bikers a bad rap! Grow a pair! Be NICE!
- If you order 4 lattes and five cookies and hold up a line of 5 people by doing so, with 3 of them leaving before they order, tip. Especially if you're bleeping rude. Karma is so so going to bleep you, you big, big, bleep.
Other Brooklyn lessons of the week....I learned the hard way.
- Do NOT look confused looking for the bathroom at a public library....a scary homeless person will try to assist you! Aka...attempt to hold your hand, ask you why you aren't in school and lead you to the little girls private bathroom in the childrens section....unfortunately, true story. I'm retiring my Mary Jane's...I blame them for this situation entirely. When I explained what happened to Rodolfo later, a stranger in front of us on the sidewalk literally turned around and stared at me listening into my encounter...so so so creepy.
- Do NOT be offended that the street vendor who's been saying hello to you...me...every day when I bike by them, and didn't recognize me today because I was wearing pants instead of a skirt with tights..well...I guess legs speak louder than words....they also get tipped more...note to self!
- Do NOT get frustrated at biking in this city. Pot holes. Broken glass. People 'emergency parking' in the bike lane. People turning right without looking. People J walking without looking. This is part of the biking experience. It is ok! The fact that point B was reached eventually from point A and no one was injured, particularly me, is a feat in itself! Well done you! Pat on the back. Here. Here! Pajamas and beer time are in order upon reaching final destination! .....Along with bitch blogging apparently....
and then...there's just the weird stuff....
Old men have special giant brushes for their cars here! I've seen it multiple times now! The car is parked, not going anywhere and an older gentleman gets a giant bristled brush out of their trunk and proceeds to brush their car off! It's a dusty city I must admit. Talk about car love!
Dogs with outfits and booties. I'm a little sad that winter is over, because that means the booties are gone! I love a weenie dog in sweater and matching booties, ....it just gets me. those little teeny booties! I mean, come on!!!!!
Lastly, this is aimed at that dude playing the crazy bleep music while biking down Franklin tonight. If you are playing music, out loud, where a human being is howling, followed by a sitar.....yeah, I'm not passing you, I'm gonna follow right behind you until you turn, because dude.....that bleep is crazy! You are OBVIOUSLY in need of some attention, because I heard something howl in the direction of your butt and I aint going no where until I figure out what your deal is....or you turn right towards downtown Brooklyn and disappoint me, probably because you think I'm a weirdo like that guy at the library and you're wigged out that I've been staring interestedly at your ass for the last half mile.
WHERE IS THE MUSIC COMING FROM?!? AND WHY IS YOUR BUTT HOWLING AT ME?!?
To end, a quote from my favorite customer today!
"Oh wow! Look...you made like a leaf shaped thing, instead of that giant blob like last week!"
- Describing my latte art abilities
- I did not choose this career path, this career chose me damn it!
- If everyone just drank tea, the world would be a better place
NAMASTE you bleeping hipsters.
peace out.
2 comments:
I laughed out loud at this part "Grow a pair! Be NICE!" People don't seem to get that "nice" isn't something you are, it's something you do and it's freaking hard sometimes.
Bleep that. I don't want to be nice! I love this list and am glad I got to hear some of these stories in real life!
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