The things I find myself most in shock from over the last two weeks is relearning what it feels like to be single (but still married) and figuring out what that is....especially a women traveling alone is a whole different thing entirely....there are a lot of assumptions made if you are alone....I also look younger than I am (yes, this a good thing, but confusing to explain to new people over and over again when they disbelieve I've been married for 6 years and stare dumbfounded if I'm joking or not. I guess that's a compliment?
A large group of backpackers were sitting together from all different countries and ages and genders, and it was asked to put to a vote, how many of us had partners back home. 5 of the 7 women present had boyfriends who were at home and some of the boyfriends had plans to meet them at some point in the trip. It's actually quite normal what I'm doing, I was surprised to find that out! Most of the single ladies weren't single! But....they weren't married either.
Now....on the other hand, they were all a decade younger than me....there are pretty much no married women traveling alone and that was quite a shock to me to learn, but also a shock to most people I tell that I would choose to travel without my husband. "Why?" They ask. "Why not?" I say.
I don't know if I would call it a stigma, but there are a lot of social pressures and norms connected to being a married women...the do's and don'ts of what married woman are allowed to do alone, and it has me thinking a LOT! All the time! Am I doing something wrong? But then I know more and more every day....this is one of the best things I've ever done for my marriage and myself. The level of trust and respect we have for one another and the knowledge of what I'm now capable of today that I wasn't able to do a couple weeks ago?...super fun.
The book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert is a beautifully written book I believe, thought provoking and inspiring about her experience of self healing falling to pieces from a horrible divorce and then learning the joy of travel and discovery and finding herself and loving herself again. Wonderful thoughts on the power and pain of the experience of being alone and finding strength thru that.
Self love is a huge thing that's super important, but I believe many misconstrue self-love as self-ish, particularly women. We don't believe we are worth the extra effort and cheat ourselves out of living a full life. Perhaps if more women felt comfortable taking trips and spending more time on their own, they wouldn't feel as trapped into roles and lifestyles that limit their feeling of freedom and self confidence and strength of self....maybe there would even be a lower divorce rate! Imagine, choosing and wanting to be with a life partner and occassionally by ones self rather than forcing togetherness at all times. Yes I'm married, but I'm also me!!! I'm a person. Not an extension of my husband.
Lots of husbands take on jobs that allow them to travel freely and independently for their work while their wives stay at home left behind raising kids and dealing with the day to day...they are forgotten. Of course they don't mind doing it, but now I just wonder....what if the roles were reversed every now and then....how cool would that be?
Something I can't stop thinking about is, why do we have to fall apart to build ourselves back up? Why do we deep clean our ovens the day we move out of our apartments? If we don't take a little time here and there, not necessarily on the other side of the planet from our spouses/partners, but it can be super healing and renewing (and terrifying) to plop yourself in a new place alone and spend time with ones self. Freak out a little bit and then become a little in awe of how quickly new types of thoughts/feelings/wants come out of the woodwork and we can reclaim little pieces of ourselves that we thought we had lost just by enjoying a little reboot time alone.
Of course I'm talking about myself. Of course I am. But I can't reccommend the experience enough to other women in long or short or non term relationships....granted, I'm still experiencing and changing with good and bad moments, but I'm already feeling stronger and more confident, like I'm starting to radiate some inner diva I'd put away from my twenties, but exuding a new mysterious confidence and strength from being in my thirties. I'm not looking to hook up and party hearty, I'm looking and finding connections that go beyond the normal social boundaries. Talking to strangers both local and tourist. Enjoying time alone. Making decisions purely for and by myself. Sharing moments with new friends. Making decisions with my money of what I find valuable. The phrase "putting yourself out there" is usually aimed at young people dating, but I'm totally feeling the highs and lows of doing just that, but I'm dating different cities instead of people. I'm actually meeting a lot of truly inspiring younger women from Europe also traveling solo and I feel so happy and excited to hear about their lives and their future plans....it's hard to sit on my hands and not give unwanted life advice, but rather listen and root them on!
The point I really want to get across is, I'm having all these great incredible thoughts and feelings of renewed inner strength and growth, but without the ugly divorce. Without the heartbreak and without starting over. I'm cleaning my oven now rather than the day before moving out! I'm having an adventure and then I'm going home to the man that I love and loves me most and I'm psyched about it and I truly believe my relationships with hubby/friends/family will be better and stronger for it. Sorry...preachy bit over....I just feel like women are afraid to travel without their men for the most part, that it won't be as fun or it's weird. But it's like eating a salad....so good for you and you'll be glad you did it after!
The hardest part was of course starting up the engine and getting out the door. The moment we bought our plane tickets and R man looked in my eyes and said...."are you sure you want to travel for two months?" I said no. I said I wasn't sure. But I also knew this was the chance of a life time to get to know myself alone as an adult and so far amongst the highs and the lows, it's been absolutely worth it!
The next time I travel for a day/week/month with a friend or my husband or by myself again, I'm going to appreciate the experience differently in a way I didn't before and was afraid of. It just goes to show, in whatever part of your life you feel afraid, if you face the fear head on, dissect it and take it apart, the fear fades and what is left is strength.
Here's a few specifics I've discovered about myself this week:
I'm a morning person, not a night person...I've always known that I think, but now it's glaringly obvious.
I'm not good at confrontations, so what I need to do for myself is tell someone I'll think about it, whatever IT is, then actually have a good think on it and get back to them. No big decisions in the moment unless absolutely necessary.
I like coffee but coffee doesn't actually like me very much! I think especially here because the espresso is so strong. Herbal ginger tea at night has become a favorite.
I love feeling cozy in bed. It's like a little square of security in whatever city I am in. As long as I have a twin sized mattress, I feel adventure calling at the door and look forward to leaving it behind. I also like sharing a room with others...hearing them breathe and move around, even if I don't know them, makes it easier to fall asleep then if I was alone. Probably like how puppies plop on top of each other to take a nap.
I love walking and looking at stuff...and when you're alone, you actually tend not to get hassled as much....no one hands me pamphlets to their restaurants or hounds me to buy their purses, I'm not their target market.
I'm a 50/50 mix of intro/extro verted depending on what day/city/mood I'm in. I'm just as likely to stay silent all day with a book than I am to talk my head off with a new friend, but I love having the mix of both. The people I hit it off with are those that don't mind being silent with me at times reading or walking together. I have discovered that sometimes my empathy gets the better of me, and I should have cut off a conversation two hours prior...but then again, every time I talk to someone new I learn something. Did you know that "having a brew" in England really means "having a cuppa tea"?!?
I miss cheese in my head, but my tummy is much happier on an Asian diet. I'm no longer bloated and feeling too full all the time, instead, it's nice to eat when I'm hungry and feel sated on half the portion of food I would usually cook for myself at home. I think I've lost a little weight.
I cover up in the sun, but I'm now covered from head to elbow with freckles. Shoulders and nose particularly.
So, nothing really huge or life changing. Just little odd things I've come to savor about being alive.
Of course this is just describing my inner workings. The experience of travel itself and being in Vietnam, that's a whole other blog entry...not to equate it to being lesser then my little solo lady rant, they just happen to be occurring all at once....being alone also allows me to totally absorb that experience as well. I notice more....think more....question more...and wonder about the people who live here. To be continued.....
