2.01.2023

Gratitude day 2

Penny cuddles 

Working remotely and sleeping right up to 9am after a bad nights sleep

A wife who reads instructions allowed while I throw IKEA parts and pieces around the house all day

New movies on Netflix

Leftovers

6th floor building heat 

Pajamas 


1.31.2023

Gratitude day 1

 I am grateful for:


coffee

music

puzzles

problem solving skills

Hair ties

pillows

poop bags

public trash cans

hugs

3.20.2022

I/me

I am in all likelihood what people now call a they/them...I'm 80% butch wearing outdoor gear and knee high rain boots everywhere I go - I'm often the one in my queer relationship to do the manly grunt work or kill a bug and I love that - walking the land or doing yard work, if someone were to walk out and find me in my happy place - I probably look like a dude!  The same could likely be true for me wife - we are both pretty in touch with our masculine sides let's just say.  

But.... I have long hair in a bun, and once in a blue I throw on a dress for funsies and a little lipstick and heels for the wow factor and just love that feeling of femininity flowing out of me!...but like, once a year!  I honestly prefer to go without any pronouns or have people call me whatever they're comfortable calling me, and after 39 years of being a she - I'm pretty all right with that concept and understanding and actually - it being Women's month - pretty darn proud of being included in that category and all the struggles and proud moments that come with it!

My mom called it a few years ago when I came out to her and talked a little also about gender identity - she said...."Sarah, YOU ARE A SARAH!  Always have been always will be."

After that, I don't know why but a weight was lifted.  I knew.  My mom has always apparently known as moms sometimes do.  My wife knows.  My therapist is pretty cool with it.  I can talk about things when they come up to people I love when I get frustrated and they go.. oh sure yeah of course!  You're you!  that makes sense! 

I'm realizing that although I've been on my own queer advanture thru life - the world is a changin'!!!

There's a gay fad phenomemon going on right now which is...AMAZING?!?!?  but possibly confusing!   It's cool to be gay who knew!!!  There's the slightest chance that beautiful young queers are looking around at the world looking FOR people like THEMSELVES and asking...  "WHERE ARE YOU?"  

I remember craving queer role models as a kid - any anywhere - I'd find butch gay women in the randomest of places and latch on most of them not publicly out - fascinated by who they were and wanting to know everything!  Teachers.  Friends of friends.  Celebrities.  I was drawn to them and their intense beauty and power but never close enough to ask the real nitty gritty questions - lists of questions - private personal intimate shouldn't ask questions - what I still want to know actually - because it's me really figuring myself out as I go too!  Do you shop in the mens section too or do you buy your clothes online to avoid the stares?  Isn't it frustrating the pants never fit right?  Where do you go for your haircut or do you do it yourself?  Do you feel forced to wear makeup or do you like it?  

YOU QUEER KIDS TODAY (said in my old lady cranky voice) didn't grow up in the same culture of Ellen getting cancelled and Churches shutting doors...  wedding cakes not being sold with little man and man toppers because the bakery refused... AIDS!  When I was in high school, as the first woman was admitted to West Point (and hazed out), gays were being thrown out of the military or told to keep it secret with 'don't ask don't tell'.  Health insurance didn't cover adoption or IVF - so no chance of having a family - I didn't even know what IVF was!  I would turn on the news and hear about a boy in a small town getting beaten to death for being gay, as I packed my high school bags and applied to go to an arts high school my Junior/Senior year not 'just' to study music, but find a refuge to be myself and feel included - to find others like me who were "Jennys" and "Steve's" and "Emily's" and I did!  At all different places and parts of that beautiful queer spectrum - and I haven't stopped now no matter where I've gone and it's magical.

That being said, there's so many added levels now to all these big decisions for young queers I didn't have to worry about - because I didn't have to decide!  I could just be whatever I was - no label!  I gave myself a lot of time to slowly unravel my puzzle - discovering who I was a little piece at a time thru college and friends and boyfriends and girl friends and roommates and messy silly funny moments - now husbands (just the one) and wives (also just the one) and lots of beautiful happy relationships shining me on towards my me-ness still - every day!

So now, the question is - how do I help and be there for that next generation of queers?  How do I support and show love for them to be the best them's they can be?  I guess maybe it's just being me?  Existing and choosing to be loud and present about it in my me ness exactly as I am and looking forward to what that next beautiful generation will bring and create to make a better world from what I grew up in and generations before.  



2.28.2022

educated by nature

 I was on a call with my doctor (first good one I've had in New York State) and he sees my MN area code...he says....  I'm from Minnesota too!!!!  I'm about to lose him - he's leaving the practice upstate to work on an Indian Reservation ....  the guy is not only good at what he does, he's good period.  I'm so bummed to lose him as my doctor.

It made me think about our education system - where we live and how we learn -  and how it does carve us - who we are inside - into who we become and what we do....where we go next.....


Cara was educated in New York City - she ditched classes, failed often, and didn't enjoy going to school and she ademently wants our kids to go to NYC public schools!  She believes they'll learn the social skills they will need to survive the streets and get by living in the city.

Cara has hideous grammar - can't spell - can't write a sentence without deleting half of it - according to many the school system failed her.... but!  The girl can get anywhere in the city driving/training/walking without fear - can talk to anyone she meets anywhere - makes friends exceedingly fast - because those were the life skills she needed and knew she had to learn!

She makes more money than me, better benefits  - an incredibly steady job that she's passionate about that takes her on fancy work trips and dinners with a company car she can drive anywhere - she's doing great!  Her education got her exactly what she needed - the ability to communicate with New Yorkers!


I was educated in the St. Paul city school system - a mix of public school / art school / a LOT of time at the library and private music classes 1:1, reading books in my basement every summer and learning how to learn.  My education was pretty much designed just for me - straight A's in school with extra curriculars nights and weekends to go the extra mile and learn what I wanted to learn - an introvert who liked to be alone and think. - I don't know if I care where our kids go to school - as I figure they'll absorb what they need when they need it with parents like us.

I have pretty all right grammar skills and I use them 8 hours a day to make a living alone in my house!  At this point I can likely survive anywhere because I can work remotely - and can go an entire day not talking to anyone not leaving my house and still get a pay check (not a good thing necessarily but a fact) 


Doctor guy was educated in a suburb of Minneapolis down the road - he was likely educated in one of the best suburban schools with sports programs and music and art programs that pushed college early learning and career planning with impeccable math and science courses -  possibly with doctor parents - just a guess!

The kid obviously has incredible reading/writing/math skills - and now works whatever jobs he wants to when he wants to where he wants to - to make the world a better place - with a long career in front of him that pays substantially more than Cara or my jobs ever will.  

I wonder where he'd want his kids to go to school!

We are all happy with our jobs...happy people!  Doing what we love!  But to say the system is fair for everyone is simply untrue.  We were each of us sculpted and designed to do the work we now do based on our educations and where we grew up.  We learned the skills we needed to survive in our environments and that led us each to where we are now and what we will do down the road.  


I learned how to learn.  So did Cara.  So did my doc.  We are all doing our parts in the world - but do some of us get a little more leg up than others to get their start based on how good their school systems are?  Yet, Cara wants our kids to learn the skills she learned in NYC.....isn't that interesting!






2.01.2022

year of the dog

I was born in the year of the dog, but to me, this is the year of the dog.  My dog.

I wake up to dog sniffing my face and little tail thwacking the floor.  That means get up.
At night if she hasn't decided to perch in Cara's dirty laundry pile or enjoy a solo evening out on the sofa, Cara gently tucks a blanket over her in the doggy bed by her bedside. That's the official end of the day.

Penny and I, we cohabitate on an acquaintance level, but with Cara....it's true love.

Penny is Cara's partner in crime - she'll put up with me feeding her, taking her for walks and sleeping a few feet from me while I work....and yes, I guess that could go for either of them HA!  They'll stare into each others eyes lovingly, cuddling away and kiss one another's faces and forget I'm in the room!

Shortly after Penny joined our family, Cara stated "I've never felt a love like this" 
I try not to take it personally....  :)

Penny will melt or flop onto Cara's lap - or nestle into the side of her body at random - usually with lip kisses and tail thwacks of pleasure- I've learned to see the difference in her face when she dog smiles - just the tiniest view of teeth, eyes half closed, tummy up in the air - complete and total contentment.

She'll follow Cara from room to room, laying by her side in case Cara needs her.
She knows when Cara has eaten, requesting lap time immediately after Cara's finished eating and feeling full - Cara said out loud a few nights ago - she thinks it's a pak thing - that Penny expects cuddles together after either of them feels satiated by food.

So, I get to be a guest at the table to this dynamic duo - the amount of love I feel for both of these adorable cuddlers is....astonishing to me!  



9.27.2021

Ralph

It was in the quiet times - the gentle sway of trees with birds singing, the sound of the water gently nudging the little fishing boat out on the lake, the clock in the living room dinging away the minute and the hour - where I felt most at peace in my grandfather's company.

I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up, not out of requirement to get me out of my parents hair, but because I enjoyed their company.  I would ask to be dropped off for a weekend, simply to soak myself in the energy of their lives.  I liked the quiet and the calm.  I liked the easy conversation.  I liked them!

I was often my best self around him.  We had...a lot in common.  Not the ones at the table to keep a conversation going, but with the random facts thrown out to make someone chuckle.  I felt comfortable in my own skin with my introverted quietness.  I felt understood.  I felt loved.  I felt respected and seen as someone special.  He never pushed me to do something, but understood the need to sit and read or think or play music, zone out with an old movie.  I would sit at the table in the morning and between his endless cups of watered down coffee *Something he's passed down to me* 

He'd make me eggs for breakfast, often with assorted pastries and treats purchased at the store that morning.... 

"What?"  He'd say to my grandmother..looking down at the chocolate donuts... "They're for Sarah!"  


The last photo we took together 4/29/19 *He'd always date his photos


We'd sit and read the paper, looking out together at my grandfathers garden.  I'd listen to the stories of what's been planted, what animals have been trying to eat them and what he'd been doing to try and prevent or not prevent the eating of them.

Very recently I asked Cara to buy me a tiny vase for a single flower.  Grandpa used to go out first thing in the morning and pick a single flower for this beautiful tiny glass vase, often a little purple button looking flower and leave it on the table or the kitchen window sill.  It always made me happy.

His office was the guest room.  He set up the computer mouse to have a left handed side he constructed himself just for me.  I would sit at his computer til midnight and play solitaire, listen to the BBC and look around the room and absorb my surroundings.  Large jars of jelly beans.  Shelves and shelves of books.  His homemade collection of movies recorded from Sunday night tv movie nights - it felt so safe. 

We'd often sit together and watch videos he made of my cousins playing in yards, look at photos he took of them at different times in their lives.  He loved being a grandfather and great grandfather to all of us allbeit not the type for bear hugs or long visits - he showed it to others that came to visit - explaining who was in which picture on the mantel in the living room as they walked in and how proud he was of each of them, what they were up to now.

When I traveled the world - he traveled with me thru this blog.  He'd print out his favorite entries (all 100 of them) and review them with me when I came to visit once a year....for the travel book he knew I could write some day, when I was ready. 

He loved to learn and explore the world thru reading.  Blogs became my way to communicate to him and let him know I was ok in whatever country or city I was in.  Tell him what I was thinking about and interested in.  That I care about him.  That I loved him.

So grandpa, wherever you are now....I love you and I know how much you loved me and were proud of me.  I'm ok, I know you're ok too.  I'm so grateful for all our times together being exactly who we were inside our skins in the quiet times of birds singing, water lapping and clocks ticking.  




  

6.27.2021

Siddartha

A boyfriend in college lent it to me to read when I was 18 - I'm almost 40 - Something I've been thinking a lot about is how much Siddartha changed thru the years - going thru times of hunger - fortune - friendships - relationships - isolation -  good, bad, pretty and ugly all on a road towards self, because in the end that's all we have.  There's probably a lot more to the story I'm forgetting - all that deeper meaning ethical moral high ground - be a good person stuff stuff - Buddha life - karma, energies - I know I know I'm missing a lot... but that process of living - time going by and life changing so drastically - that's the bit I can't get out of my head.

Since starting this blog back in 2009 just coming into my own making big adult decisions like moving and traveling (11 years ago now) - I have changed so much and yet I haven't changed at all.  I'm so rich in memories and experiences.  So lucky to have known and loved so many people.  So many special friendships and time spent talking and learning and laughing - people who helped me become my current self and I felt so fortunate to know and spend time with.

The hippy young musician with the photographer engineer husband traveling the world became a New Yorker Corporate Executive Assistant with a dog and a country home and a cheese selling wife with a big loud raucuous New Yorker Jewish Brooklyn family. 

Somehow, over 11 years - I changed and yet...I'm still me!  I'll grant you - maybe my brother and parents are the the only others on this planet who have met the many cat lives of Sarah - one after another after another.  Is it good?  Is it bad?  Have I made the best decisions?  Have I possibly made huge mistakes but did the best I could at the time? Could I have done better?  Dude....who knows!  

I don't play music anymore.  Or read books.  Or run. 

But...I garden.  Listen to A LOT of podcasts.  I read and write for a living and organize amazing people's lives from my living room....I even get health insurance for it.

I don't sleep in tents on beaches in Thailand.  Or bike 20 miles for beer.  Or read a novel in one day.  

I walk Penny along the bay and watch her sniff other dogs butts, I cuddle on the sofa with my wife watching crappy 90's rom coms and I eat an INSANE amount of amazing cheese.

I'm not 'in shape' but I'm not all that pudgy.  I like my face and I like how I look in a dress.

I still drink a lot of beer - don't care about fancy coffee and love grocery shopping.

Am I closer today to knowing who I am - than I was 10 years ago?  20 years ago?  Am I actualized?!?  

HA!  HELL'S NO! 

I can say...this girl knows how she likes to eat her eggs, drink her coffee and spend a Sunday afternoon.  

On this gayest weekend of all weekends - I'm grateful to all those amazing people all shapes, sizes, genders and ages that have helped this queer come into her current freckly slightly wrinkly but very happy skin.  


xoxoxo,

Sarah (puppy mom, home owner, friend, lover, wife, straight haired, bisexual/lesbian) 





6.18.2021

battle of the bugs

When we first moved out into the country side we were afraid of things like... mice, deer, groundhogs, bears.

Funny enough, none of these are scary to me any more.  

Bears aren't interested because we don't leave food or bird seed out..

The groundhogs are happily nested a city block away and I've called a truce to our warfare.

Even the skunk who nested under our tractor shed has disappeared this week!

Deer - are a problem - but I'm getting excited for bow and arrow hunting season, when our neighbor calls in his plumber to enjoy the festivities.

The 5 foot long Black rat snack of the constrictor family that resides under our screened in porch - also a friend to our battle controlling the mouse community.

The hummingbird sized cicada killer wasp I found buzzing in my upstairs office one day - when google searched comes up as the gentle giant!


No...our current pains in the asses day in and day out are ticks.

Long socks, big knee high boots, leather gloves, deet, Soresto dog collars, mowing mowing mowing, pushing back brush, burning debree, hacking down tall grass and now...pestmaster services spraying every 20 days with some nature friendly minty solvent  - the battle is strong and real.

Cara wakes up in the night asking to be tick checked.  We shower.  We wash clothes.  We look everywhere and brush and re re brush Penny, but there are simply no guarantees.


It's a slight comfort that this has now made the national news as an issue and who knows!  Maybe they'll speed up the process for a human vaccine (Lucky Penny already got shot up with protection late last year.)






Sheepshead Bay start to the Summer

This is something I wrote a month back, but it made me smile so I'm sharing with you all now....


Like some people celebrate white pants and boat rides  There are certain magical signs in Sheepshead Bay Brooklyn that the 2 weeks of leather jackets, apple blossoms are over and it is once again scorching hot - pee smells and cooking eggs on pavement  SUMMER!


 The annual putting in of the air conditioners happened today  

this is not just a task, it is an event.

Where's the screws?   They're in the cup where I keep the screws. No, I taped them on with the duct tape I used to fill the holes in from last year.

Call your dad to come over with the special tool.

Just let me do it.

Is Meeg outside watching to make sure it doeesn't fall on anyone? 
Why is it always so hot the day we do this?  When will we wise up and put them in 2 weeks prior to it being scorching hot outside?

Out a little more - no in, no more to the left!  Let me do it! You're not doing it right!

Why don't the screw holes line up?  Is it ok that only 2 of the 3 screws still work?

You're reusing the duct tape from last year?  Don't leave your old tape on my bookcase! 

Usually on the same day - there is the 
gathering of the beach supplies from the closets 

Umbrella's, chairs, coolers, bleach blankets.... 

there's multiples and variations of each, so of course, 

Cara pulls out all of her fluffy comfort supplies, 

I pull out all of my minimalist lightweight high tech supplies 

and we meet somewhere in the middle



LET THE GAMES BEGIN!









3.31.2021

Thank you. Covid. For....

My many mental health advisors over the last few months all recommended one similar thing to me on every zoom call as a means to 'get thru it'...GRATITUDE. 

So, when a great big doozy of a downer pops into my mind, once in a while I'll think it, stop for a sec and usually (sarcastically possibly but it counts) come up with a reason to be grateful for something related to it.

This morning I thanked Covid for helping me lose 15 pounds - no exercise, no dry January, it turns out anxiety burns calories and a diet of coffee, beer and sandwiches apparently helps keep the pounds off!  Haven't seen that tidbit mentioned in the lady magazines at the gym!

So in the spirit of Jimmy Fallon's thank you notes, here's a few things that have recently come to mind!


Thank you.  Covid......

For making the Grocery store the big event of the week/month/year.

For finding comfort in Apocalyptic end of the world movies and video games *shrug* It could be worse!

For learning how to make the perfect Manhattan...practice makes perfect!

For helping me get over my fear of the fire escape ladder to the rooftop

For giving me the time last March to really scrub those bathroom tiles with bleach and make them shine rather than go on my honeymoon to Hawaii


But for real now....

Thank you, Parents...for setting up a weekly Tuesday call with me where we laugh off the crazy and sympathize off the fear

Thank you, Penny....for rescueing us every morning with your little paws on the door and your adorable butt wiggles

Thank you, Cara....for not divorcing me before our wedding. 

Thank you, House....for all the adulting lessons you've given us

Thank you, Kyria...for inspiring to continue blogging/writing, or trying to (I have a lot of unshared drafts that will never be published from this last year!  HA!)

Thank you, Work...for giving me something to focus on and try to still be part of something useful and helpful.

Thank you, Friends....for forgiving me in the coming future for not talking to you very much this past year and suddenly getting back in touch.

Thank you, United and Hilton...for not going bankrupt before we can go on our honeymoon to use our non refundable vouchers.

Thank you, Mental Health professionals....for keeping me alive thru 2020.














2.17.2021

Giving up control one wee wee pad at a time

 Our dog pees on the floor.  

We could choose to get upset about it (Which we have done plenty) 

- run to take her out at 6am in the morning

- stare down the puddle on the floor with frustration and regret 

- feel bad about ourselves that we didn't get up soon enough to avoid the unavoidable.  

- sopping up smelly mess pre coffee all while staring down the dog who did the deed, her smiling face and wriggling tail flailing around in euphoric excitement to see us and us - me - staring back exhausted and frustrated.

You gotta go you gotta go!

Well.  We've recently discovered a new option - Wee wee pads!  

Now we all get to sleep in, drink coffee and casually throw the door open at some point in the morning for Penny to sniff the snow. 

It just makes me wonder what other life changing solutions are right around the corner that I also may be beating myself up for every day, feeling bad about and not needing to...with work, with daily habits, with Covid.  Feeling I need to own or take care of or control in order to be a 'good person'.  Do things right.  Make things better.  Be safe. Be strong.  Handle the situation.  

This wee pad discovery has proven life changing as I spend a little longer outside while Penny sniffs around listening to the bird songs around the yard post coffee.

Pee happens!  I can freak out about it or I can accept it as part of life.  Enjoy my time with my wonderful fuzzy friend Penny, my beautiful wife and family, house that supports me, water that comes up from the ground and propane, electricity, even the wood chopped down by our new local friend Gordon that heats my home and keep me warm thru the night. 

and forgive and love and appreciate myself too a little while I'm at it.  Maybe someone else's whole day could be better if I had more wee wee pad options for life's tiny frustrations and large disasters.

Gratitude day 2

Penny cuddles  Working remotely and sleeping right up to 9am after a bad nights sleep A wife who reads instructions allowed while I throw IK...