bad juju

I'm a pretty positive happy person...I think.
At least I try to be.

But recently, there's been a lot on my mind..
As positive and happy and bubbly as I can be with the sun shining and babies googoo'ing, sometimes the badness in others sinks into my bones....
Sometimes the bad guys win...
and you you know what? 
That sucks!

I've had a pretty tough last week and I'm handling it great really, but it's been a shocker to the system...

If you've been reading, you already know I'm questioning all kinds of things, the meaning of life, the meaning of my life, the center of all things, what to do, where to go, how to feel and see the world and be a good person...blah blah blah....well! 

Thanks to.....the higher powers that be I guess..... my new sentiment of personal positive karma and trying to find some deeper, healthier happiness in the world is being put to the test!

I feel the need that guidelines are in order to get my good juju back...to believe in the good in people and know that the world is not out to get me....some rules....for appropriate good juju etiquette...small..big...it all has done its part to make me feel wibbly wobbly.

• caterpillars who eat people's much loved tomato plants deserve the death penalty...but no, I can't find the heart to splatter your gigantic tomato plant fed body into the pavement and instead have delicately placed you in my neighbors compost 100 feet away from my tomato plant in the hopes that your obesity keeps you far, far away.....bad caterpillar!  Bad!

the evil culprit caught in action!

• if a store closes at 5pm....and you read on the front of the store the hours of business....leave at 5pm....ok....5:10pm at the latest.
•  In entering a bakery...selling bread....expect there to be some gluten involved!
• People who are hypocrites are the worst kind of scoundrels, and deserve bad karma for life.  I can handle people doing bad things, it's when they're doing bad things and lying about it that freaks me out.  If you are a hypocrite with me and I find you out....know that I am 50% Chilean...I will not forgive you for what harm you've done to me or mine...you are dead to me...adieu.
  
• If you borrow from someone, specifically in the form of money, pay them back  in an agreed upon time if you don't want to be a douche bag forever in my eyes.
• Don't ever, ever steal from me.  Ever.  The Hypocrite guideline comes into effect here as well.
• pick up after yourself if you've made a mess
• If you know you are doing something bad or mean that could deeply hurt someone else, stop doing it!

So there you go.
Don't eat my tomato plants.
Don't lie.
Don't steal.
Don't be a jack ass.
Short and sweet words to live by.

busy bees

R man and I have both become a bit workaholic.
We love the work.
When we aren't working, we are thinking, dreaming, talking, anticipating and planning to work.

It's kind of cool that we both dreamed of having jobs when we got back that challenged us, made us think and gave some feeling of personal pride and contentment in what we did.  We are there!

Now, it's making sure we get a chance to be and do all the non work things we'd grown to love not working 40 hours a week....really enjoying the time we have off when we have it together doing things we both love....(I say this as each of us are sitting at opposite sides of the house on our free day together typing away at our computers in silence!)

Taking bike rides
Going for walks
Cooking and grilling together
meeting up with friends for drinks and foods
having said friends over for the talking and the sharing of drinks and foods
attending local festivals and live music performances...Madison is known for there summer music festivals

On top of this, I try extra hard now to try and push myself out of the house after a long day at work to try and do normal people things and not just plop down and watch a movie with a beer in hand.

So this week, I'm making some goals!
I'm going to:

• Check out a book from the library and read it from cover to cover
• Photograph our awesome little garden for your enjoyment.  The little cucumbers and tomatoes are doing great!
• Catch up with an old friend or two
• cook some healthy nutritious meals and perhaps even put up a recipe or two with some photos here!
• Go visit the University Art Museum...it's free, it's new and I've never been!

So.  There it is.  Food.  Friends.  Good books.   Art. 
We'll see if I can do it!

a house becomes a home

With renewing our lease an extra two years, comes a sigh of relief!
We aren't moving!!!!!

There's a point every time I move where I'm scrubbing out the tub like a banchee, or I'm sorting thru books and paper work and thinking, geez....why didn't I just sort and clean and scrub all the this stuff while I was living here!  At least I could have enjoyed it!!!!!

So in honor of that testament, we/I are actually trying to live up to that higher standard and quality of living!  If we are going to live in this lovely spot in the world, why not make it the most comfortable, aesthetically pleasing and organized experience we can!

SO!  We improved!!!!!  Of course, OF COURSE I don't have any before pictures, which would have been awesome, but enjoy the positive happy clean vibe of our new and improved home anyways!

We took down the scary looking universal apartment blinds that offer no privacy, limited actual shade and are continually covered in a layer of dust and replaced them flowing, pretty, useful energy efficient curtains!  Plus, I finally washed the windows inside and out.  The result is uber pleasing to the eye in comparison to what was!

I stained our back patio...what was once a greyish/whitish dying/dead looking bunch of wood now has a bit of a glossy happy brownish shine that is not only weather resistant and good for the porch, but is fun to look at! I'm really happy with how it all turned out!

Before we left Madison to travel, we had bought and given away an awesome patio set with umbrella that we'd found at Shopko for a bargain deal of $70!  Well, low and behold, we stop by to purchase some curtains and what do you know!  Same exact patio set purchased many years ago on same exact clearance!  YAY!  Sold!

I sanded and refinished this boudoir/closet/boxy closet thing!  Isn't it perty?  R man also cut off what was a little top cabinet off the top of it, making it impossible to fit it into any room easily.  The thing also had a continual ewww de baby odor to it, which I think we can finally say we've finally kicked thanks to repeated bleachings/washings and plenty of air freshener. 

There's probably a lot more little items that I should mention, like the new kitchen trash can with the built in opener you push down with your foot, the new shoe rack, the awesome garden we're growing which required a new hose and special tomato holders, the IKEA kitchen table I bought in Minnesota with my parents, or even the new set of steak knives purchased just yesterday...tons of new stuff to celebrate staying put, but there's also been plenty of ditching of the old, ending with a final run to St. Vincent de Paul's yesterday with a final trunk load of good byes...I end now with our piece de resistence!!!!

We finished painting our bedroom!  A nice simple white for now, but hey!  It's all one color and it doesn't look like someone went thru the room with a machine gun anymore!  No more gaping holes and scary corners!  Rodolfo installed two little side tables on each side which I stained brown and we bought matching desk lamps, so we can read comfortably at night with a place for an alarm clock!

Ok, I did forget the major purchase of an outdoor charcoal grill, but I haven't yet put it together out of the box...the first bbq experienced, you'll be sure to see a pic of R man at his best!

So yeah, lots of little odds n' ends we'd been living without fine, but now that we have them completed and finished....sigh....it feels really awesome to enjoy and live in our little spot in the world!

theories so far....

So...
from the depths of insanity/dilusions of depression/realizations of boredom and weirdness come ....

well...

perhaps more of the same.
perhaps intrigue and insight.
perhaps really odd/interesting discussions with coworkers, which lead to odd and interesting voice mails to other coworkers and yet more odd and interesting discussions with friends and husbands and family members etc..

I have "the power of now" on order at the library, so I WILL be reading it soon!
But until then, doors to unexpected conclusions and thoughts are beginning to open about my dilenma.....non dilemna...funk....whatever this is!

 - perhaps life is actually just so easy and simple and good that that in itself is making me feel weird and unchallenged in life, like I should be improving and growing, but it's hard to grow when things are just plain great.
 - perhaps in things being so good, I feel unexpectedly unchallenged in my very long term goals in comparison to the excitement/rush/high I used to feel from planning life a day at a time and being settled feels like a bit of a rut once in a while.
 - perhaps I'm letting the weight of the world get me down...."2012", pollution, the environment, gasoline, cars, Africa, AIDs, poverty, corruption, politics, religion, hypocrisy, blah blah blah
 - perhaps I miss my friends and family, and I'm never quite ready to say goodbye to old friends and say hello to new
 - perhaps as my wise and profound coworkers are always pointing out things to me, none of this even matters, because life is going to go on no matter what I do or say or think, days will pass on, people will continue doing what they are doing, whether it's right or wrong, and that's how life is supposed to be, because that is how it is....buying furniture, worrying about trends, staying up to date on films and books and things and foods.....it's all very much"cute and horrifying" all at the same time and we can either enjoy the ride and world we live in or worry about it passing us by day by day...that's our choice....


So.  that's where I'm at today in my quest for change...acceptance that things are weird, that I'm confused, that the world is a big crazy place and I'm attempting to figure/not figure out my part in all of....as are we all....since we won't know til it's all over, and then....it's over and we still won't know!

So there you go!  I have no idea!  and today, that feels pretty god!  Just going with the flow....I'll keep you posted where this heads next!

state of mind

a few weeks ago as an incentive to get a $35 rebate from my insurance company, I took an online survey of my health...I had THOUGHT I was in perfect ship shape....the survey did not, apparently my diet and exercise regimen was way under par from what it should be, but the most "important" area of my life that needed "immediate and extreme" improvement according to this survey was my mental health.

I was to seek psychiatric and potentially prescription drug help immediately for my "depression".

MY WHAT?!?!?!?

I thought I was doing pretty good!  Still do actually.

But, of course, once an online survey has you second guessing yourself, everything else follows suit.
I jumped on to daily pilates videos and started pushing myself to drink and eat a little more healthfully....you know, like water and salad along with my beer and cheese sandwiches.
totally good stuff, right?!?  I think so!
Then there was the recent work related conversations with coworkers where I'm slowly realizing that I'm a bit of a push over....that I don't stand up for myself in the ways that I should
and then today....my bakery coworkers have some important news to share with me, apparently there's some book/way of thinking called "the power of now"which I'm immediately pretty skeptic of...guys...really....I don't want any part of your little cult...but then, the next coworker walks thru...
"Hey Bob (name changed of course), do you know this whole the power of now b.s.?"
"Oh yeah....something something something...related to some higher way of thinking and being ...blah blah blah..."
and then....Julie (name changed)..same deal..
and then....Greg (name changed as well)  of course!  By that author so and so...yeah...good stuff...
and ...yeah...so Greg continues on...."it's like when you're traveling and you just get into this certain place in your mind where you just are...all the banter inside your head floats away, it's inside you"...

I'm still not buying it, but....it's hooked me in....that memory of just being...that certainty that if I just stayed positive and confident in myself, things would work out, and they did!

To be honest....this is exactly something I've been thinking a lot about recently and haven't had words for...remembering back and longing for the certain mental state/feeling/experience of just living in a very simple way, and just sort of believing and knowing that things were going to work out.....and now that I'm back "in it" ...working/paying rent/scheduled into place for the next 2 years, that frame of thinking has sort of faded away to more of sense of...well...not depressed, just being lost...not really feeling like anything is right, doubting every decision, every purchase, feeling a sense of frailty and failure and not knowing why or what is causing it...but something isn't right.

So maybe yeah...just maybe today was the day that I need to wake up, maybe this book could help, maybe it's time to seek some help, admit I don't feel happy and find the confidence to reach out and find it!

It's time to burst this god damn bubble holding me in and figure out how to get out!  With a schedule and all the real life drama that comes with day to day living, I need to get back on track and do what's right for me and try to find that feeling of ...well....whatever it is where happiness is found.

Maybe I'll find it reading this freaky Western spiritualesque book...maybe something else, but I'm breaking out, and soon from whatever funk this is I'm in!!!  So rock!