Fuck you 2020!

This morning I listened to a Radio Lab podcast where the intro included the words "FUCK YOU 2020!"

I laughed, but mainly I sympathized.

In my continual (sometimes failing) attempt at finding that god damn fucking 'bright side'.... a lot A LOT of good things have happened this year.  Maybe it's that bright side that's forced some of the most terrifyingly permanent life changes to take shape for us as daunting and nerve racking as they can be in somewhat of a 'oh yeah 2020?  You want a piece of me?!?  FUCK YOU TOO!'

Our 8 year old 'pup' Penny came into our lives a month ago, a house came into our lives 5 months ago and Cara and I legally tied that marital knot  (be it in front of 8 people) 10 months ago.  

Although I agree, 2020 can take a hike, penguins hugging can make me cry in an instant.  I truly appreciate my mail man Eric, my amazing teams at work who somehow put up with my zoom hair, the nature out my back window and our newest love in the world our adorable fur baby Penny who is nothing but pure joy and happiness in dog form...well, one cuddle from her and I'm a puddle of love.

We will be celebrating Christmas this year by picking up local baked goods from our favorite Kingston bakery, grocery shopping, happy houring early at the house and cooking up a storm whilst getting shvastey and zooming with the fam.  Likely singing loudly and dancing in the kitchen.  Some kind of card game.  A fire.  Cuddles with the pup.  I have special holiday sparkly attire planned and a 1950's dinner menu of wedge salad, deviled eggs, baked clams and mussels in wine sauce.  I'll plug in the Christmas lights indoors and outdoors, bake some Christmas cookies, sip a Ronnybrook eggnog and yet likely still at one point or another likely fall into sleeve wetting, noes blowing, extremely loud sobs at how much 2020 can go fuck itself.  As bright as one side can be made to look, my heart aches for that year we were supposed to have.  But, we march on, we make the best of it, we stiff uppa lip and we take the the good with the bad as best we can.

 

sometimes mums get eaten

There's a lot outside my control right now and it's driving me crazy, so today I'm focusing on the micro.... of my yard.

My yard is teaching me that there's plenty I have NO control over and there's nothing I'm going to do about it, like leaves falling off the trees and weeds growing in the garden.  You rake em, more fall, you pick em, they grow back!  I had a hilarious moment of trying to blow leaves off the grass in a wind storm and had a good laugh at myself.  However, I really enjoyed wandering around the yard blowing leaves into the air.

Some of the problems I used to be afraid of aren't scary anymore....

The tree above our house I used to fear would fall on top of us - the old owners came to visit and  pointed out where they've added a metal connector high up in the branches to keep the tree from splitting in two and continuing its path onward and upward.  This is a well loved tree and no longer one of my pet peeves and more so something I cherish about the house...until it falls on us!

Some of the problems I thought were gone, aren't....

A new groundhog just moved in by the pond today!  HA!  I've reinstalled my ground hog solar powered noise makers and hoping for a 'don't bug us we won't bug you' neighbor policy.

Some of the problems don't really matter...

My mums are getting eaten - Choosing to look at this as a free trimming to make way for the new buds, they were at their peak and on their way out...no one likes watching flowers die right?

 

 

Some problems are fixable!

The solar powered twinkle lights went out in a storm but are back up and running 

...and then there's bugs....

Giant spiders, stink beetles, dead mice and slithering snakes have done their fare share to FREAK ME OUT ;)  However, I'm attempting to keep them at bay with some dried lavender from the garden under all the beds and closets after slapping one off my face in the middle of the night.

And things that eat bugs!  

4 blue birds have been prancing around gleefully, not pictured are the surprisingly fluffy looking bats that show up at dusk...turns out - we have a bat house on our property!

 

 

 

 

So, I guess my point is, I could and can quite easily focus in on the negative (have and will) of everything, but today, perhaps I can learn from my surroundings and accept that bad and good are relative and possibly unimportant compared to the bigger picture of wonder and awe looking up at the stars at night, learning new things about our environment and know that....  birds migrate, trees fall, leaves fly and bugs get eaten.  This too shall pass.  Let's all hang in there. 

I'm fine. I'm ok. Really.

Nope.  I'm not fine.  

It's a concept that's a little hard to talk about - with anyone.  It was hard before and even harder now and I can't think of anything more important to discuss right now - isolated - alone in our thoughts - than mental health.

I'm finding it difficult to concentrate, complete tasks, get errands done, make plans, celebrate, have fun, be in public spaces, be alone, be with 1 person all the time (no matter how amazing she is), sleep, eat, find new things that interest me, read, allow myself to disconnect from the internet and get bored, turn my brain off, turn my brain on, watch the news, not watch the news, call my family, call anyone, take showers, eat healthy.... nope!

After years of being an adult and learning how to cope with my own crazy 'normal' mood swings with exercise and taking pride in moderating/balancing my personal life to meld into the cultural norms and expectations of 'healthy', well, is it no long concerning to not be concerned?

All of my normal support systems are quashed - HUGS!  coffee out one on one with a friend, funny podcasts, adventures to bars and museums, dinners with family.... 

 My daily doses of wellness are gardening, cooking, my job and my wife - and it's not enough.  It's not. 

Coney Island Brewery - started a new mantra I noticed on instagram - it's ok not to be ok

Trying and retrying and retrying to re gauge and temp check myself against what is happening and make things 'ok'.  To make sense of things.  To try harder and do better and work harder and everything will be 'ok'

Well, 

It's not ok.

I'm not ok. 

The piece of sage advice I hear from those I love and trust the most - my wife, my mother, my best friends, my therapist - to love one another - everyone is having a no good very bad day - everyone is not ok - everyone is hurting - So, sending out my care bear stare of love to all of you in my not ok'ness - in my imperfections and lack of control of the world around me.  I can still love.

This land is ladies land

1848

The Married Women's Property Act of 1848 is one of the most important property law enactments in American history. It became the template for the laws passed in other states that allowed women to own and control property.

 

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Every time I pull my (wo)man powered lawn mower into my old run down she shed this past week, I have had an odd thought that pops into my head.... WE, own this land.  We... OWN this land!

Women owned and operated.

I think about all the things we don't know how to do, or fix or literally lift.  

 I think about the fear inside me - that I'm not strong enough or tough enough or brave enough. 

I still feel like the rug is going to get pulled out from under me every time I call a local dude with an -ian at the end of his title, that we are missing a certain chromosome to be worthy of this 3 page deed declaring us as a female married couple - rightful owners of land.  They look us up and down as they take it all in and ask 'what we bought it for' and 'how long we've lived here', I don't know what they're thinking in their minds but I have a few guesses.

 

BUT WE ARE!  LAND OWNERS. 

As I listen to the crickets sing and the sun sets behind the trees and I'm sweaty and hot and tired and smell like dirt and sunscreen....I look out and I feel so thankful to all the brave, confident generations of women who have changed this world for the better to make new dreams possible however big or small.  I bet they were scared too.  I bet they felt weak, and made mistakes and were mansplained to death on how and why things need to be done the right way!  But they've persevered and made their mark in their small quiet ways.  We pass on the torch and we pass it on again and every new generation hears the calls of the voices past and passes on the lessons they learned taught by their mothers and mentors before them.  Quietly.  Defiantly.  We make change.

 

 

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2015

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. 644, is a landmark civil rights case in which the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the fundamental right to marry is guaranteed to same-sex couples by both the Due Process Clause and the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment 

RIP RBG - thank you!

Fixin' shit

Basing my updates on my level of feeling abled/skilled to solve problems/fix shit and generally know what I'm doing 0-10!

5 - a window was busted and wouldn't close...it looked like it was simply weather destroyed and permanently ruined from wood rot, however!  I re screwed in two screws and the window magically closes completely!  Are we saved for winter?  EH?!?

1 - We have water spots on our bedroom ceiling - now there's a crack in the middle of the water spot...we have a roof leak somewhere

4 - Gutters.  I've successfully used a ladder to access the gutters, remove a bucket full of gook and pressure sprayed out yet more gook - on one corner of the house out of ..8 edges? - the water sort of just....stagnated back into place and I have an entire second side of the house to de gook.

8 - Lawn mowing.  After great long discussions and advice sessions and consumer reports reviews and online reading and more reading and more reading....I bought one of those ridiculous self push mowers for $100 - the kind that you push and it turns the wheels like a gerbil ball - no gas, no electricity, just sheer muscle - true to every tool I've purchased for this house yet - I'm on some crazy pioneer mindset these days and apparently DETERMINED to do things the hard way, at the same time, I have never felt so completely confident in my skill and determination to mow this lawn with this tiny lady like lawn mower and it brings me great great joy.  All I want to do is MOW!

7 - Heating/cooling.  We hired men to come in and install Fugitsu splits for great large amounts of money- we have heat now and AC later!  Now...how do we know which to turn on and for how long to keep the pipes from freezing?  Is the tiny noise irritating?  Will we get used to it?  

2 - the Ground hog - where is it an will it burrough into our house and will my haveaheart trap actually work to catch it - and when I catch it - if I catch it - what the HELL do I do with it - as it stares into my eyes with its cute little eyes and fluffy cheeks.

For all of the things I can and cannot fix in this house, it's things that CAN be fixed, if it's not by me, than it's someone else to call, to ask a favor of, to ask advice from and that feels good.  To reach out again for something I can change.  After months of sitting at a kitchen table staring at a screen alone, walking from window to window obsessing about the uncontrollable, the unforeseen and the unforgiveable things - I can dig a hole, paint a crack, buy a pillow and move a blade to make it better, cleaner, fluffier and softer. 

 

 

A little bit brave

 To all of you in my family who have been homeowners as long as I've known you.....I HAD NO IDEA!!!!!  

Now granted, Cara my wife and I (yes, you heard right, I'll fill you in later) just bought an almost 100 year old (1937) farm house hippy home in the middle of nowhere with: 

10 acres with a view of trees and horses, crickets chirping, summer breezes thru wind chimes, a fire pit, a garden, a pool and lots and lots of fresh air to breathe!

However!  All of that loveliness on the zillow site didn't also mention:

Crickets- indoors!  Spiders- indoors!  Gardener snakes under bushes and in door crevices, carpenter ants, mosquitos, mold, wood rot, mystery bugs, mystery poisonous plants and yes, Sarah has now confirmed she's still allergic to a certain variety of shrubbery!  

A friend sent me a cartoon from the New Yorker that reads "I'm bored, let's buy a house in the country with lots of problems" Yes. WE ARE SOME OF THOOOOOOSE PEOPLE!  

I say to Jerry Seinfeld's thoughts on NYC - easy to say New York isn't dead when you aren't trapped in a 1 bedroom apartment with the sirens blaring non stop thru a PANDEMIC! The view is pretty nice from Long Island eh Jerry?...so to all THOOOOOSE other people out there in the same boat as us fleeing the hell they've recently lived thru and just now scraping into a COVID free safe environment where they can sit outside in the sun with out a mask sipping a coffee.... throwing down our cold hard (tip money thru the years) cash all at once on the great escape - GO!  BE FREE I SAY!  LIVE THE DREAM!

Still trying to figure out how to relax in to the beauty while also feel slightly on edge that something is going to creep out or fly up to kill me, but we are figuring it out.

It's ok though, as my mother says, we've simply exchanged bed bugs and cockroaches for another variety of friend...if anything, the cockroaches aren't looking quite so bad anymore!

A few things I'm still figuring out about our surroundings that also require a certain amount of bravery.

• How much well water do we have before it runs out mid shower and what's actually in it?
• When will the chill night air calm the alarming amount of creepy things?  When will they stop creeping me out?
• Is it safe to use the oven - when the gas guy said...'eh...it's ok? I mean, it'll work for now, but you're going to want to replace it!"
• Can I buy and ride a lawnmower?

All things I will figure out with time.  I'm excited for this new journey in adulthood and moving beyond 'ok' to 'facing my fears and growing into something bigger'.  I dare to face a new day, bring on the bugs and the 'is that a bad noise' moments and feel a little bit...BRAVE!