I'm fine. I'm ok. Really.

Nope.  I'm not fine.  

It's a concept that's a little hard to talk about - with anyone.  It was hard before and even harder now and I can't think of anything more important to discuss right now - isolated - alone in our thoughts - than mental health.

I'm finding it difficult to concentrate, complete tasks, get errands done, make plans, celebrate, have fun, be in public spaces, be alone, be with 1 person all the time (no matter how amazing she is), sleep, eat, find new things that interest me, read, allow myself to disconnect from the internet and get bored, turn my brain off, turn my brain on, watch the news, not watch the news, call my family, call anyone, take showers, eat healthy.... nope!

After years of being an adult and learning how to cope with my own crazy 'normal' mood swings with exercise and taking pride in moderating/balancing my personal life to meld into the cultural norms and expectations of 'healthy', well, is it no long concerning to not be concerned?

All of my normal support systems are quashed - HUGS!  coffee out one on one with a friend, funny podcasts, adventures to bars and museums, dinners with family.... 

 My daily doses of wellness are gardening, cooking, my job and my wife - and it's not enough.  It's not. 

Coney Island Brewery - started a new mantra I noticed on instagram - it's ok not to be ok

Trying and retrying and retrying to re gauge and temp check myself against what is happening and make things 'ok'.  To make sense of things.  To try harder and do better and work harder and everything will be 'ok'

Well, 

It's not ok.

I'm not ok. 

The piece of sage advice I hear from those I love and trust the most - my wife, my mother, my best friends, my therapist - to love one another - everyone is having a no good very bad day - everyone is not ok - everyone is hurting - So, sending out my care bear stare of love to all of you in my not ok'ness - in my imperfections and lack of control of the world around me.  I can still love.

This land is ladies land

1848

The Married Women's Property Act of 1848 is one of the most important property law enactments in American history. It became the template for the laws passed in other states that allowed women to own and control property.

 

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Every time I pull my (wo)man powered lawn mower into my old run down she shed this past week, I have had an odd thought that pops into my head.... WE, own this land.  We... OWN this land!

Women owned and operated.

I think about all the things we don't know how to do, or fix or literally lift.  

 I think about the fear inside me - that I'm not strong enough or tough enough or brave enough. 

I still feel like the rug is going to get pulled out from under me every time I call a local dude with an -ian at the end of his title, that we are missing a certain chromosome to be worthy of this 3 page deed declaring us as a female married couple - rightful owners of land.  They look us up and down as they take it all in and ask 'what we bought it for' and 'how long we've lived here', I don't know what they're thinking in their minds but I have a few guesses.

 

BUT WE ARE!  LAND OWNERS. 

As I listen to the crickets sing and the sun sets behind the trees and I'm sweaty and hot and tired and smell like dirt and sunscreen....I look out and I feel so thankful to all the brave, confident generations of women who have changed this world for the better to make new dreams possible however big or small.  I bet they were scared too.  I bet they felt weak, and made mistakes and were mansplained to death on how and why things need to be done the right way!  But they've persevered and made their mark in their small quiet ways.  We pass on the torch and we pass it on again and every new generation hears the calls of the voices past and passes on the lessons they learned taught by their mothers and mentors before them.  Quietly.  Defiantly.  We make change.

 

 

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2015

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. 644, is a landmark civil rights case in which the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the fundamental right to marry is guaranteed to same-sex couples by both the Due Process Clause and the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment 

RIP RBG - thank you!

Fixin' shit

Basing my updates on my level of feeling abled/skilled to solve problems/fix shit and generally know what I'm doing 0-10!

5 - a window was busted and wouldn't close...it looked like it was simply weather destroyed and permanently ruined from wood rot, however!  I re screwed in two screws and the window magically closes completely!  Are we saved for winter?  EH?!?

1 - We have water spots on our bedroom ceiling - now there's a crack in the middle of the water spot...we have a roof leak somewhere

4 - Gutters.  I've successfully used a ladder to access the gutters, remove a bucket full of gook and pressure sprayed out yet more gook - on one corner of the house out of ..8 edges? - the water sort of just....stagnated back into place and I have an entire second side of the house to de gook.

8 - Lawn mowing.  After great long discussions and advice sessions and consumer reports reviews and online reading and more reading and more reading....I bought one of those ridiculous self push mowers for $100 - the kind that you push and it turns the wheels like a gerbil ball - no gas, no electricity, just sheer muscle - true to every tool I've purchased for this house yet - I'm on some crazy pioneer mindset these days and apparently DETERMINED to do things the hard way, at the same time, I have never felt so completely confident in my skill and determination to mow this lawn with this tiny lady like lawn mower and it brings me great great joy.  All I want to do is MOW!

7 - Heating/cooling.  We hired men to come in and install Fugitsu splits for great large amounts of money- we have heat now and AC later!  Now...how do we know which to turn on and for how long to keep the pipes from freezing?  Is the tiny noise irritating?  Will we get used to it?  

2 - the Ground hog - where is it an will it burrough into our house and will my haveaheart trap actually work to catch it - and when I catch it - if I catch it - what the HELL do I do with it - as it stares into my eyes with its cute little eyes and fluffy cheeks.

For all of the things I can and cannot fix in this house, it's things that CAN be fixed, if it's not by me, than it's someone else to call, to ask a favor of, to ask advice from and that feels good.  To reach out again for something I can change.  After months of sitting at a kitchen table staring at a screen alone, walking from window to window obsessing about the uncontrollable, the unforeseen and the unforgiveable things - I can dig a hole, paint a crack, buy a pillow and move a blade to make it better, cleaner, fluffier and softer. 

 

 

A little bit brave

 To all of you in my family who have been homeowners as long as I've known you.....I HAD NO IDEA!!!!!  

Now granted, Cara my wife and I (yes, you heard right, I'll fill you in later) just bought an almost 100 year old (1937) farm house hippy home in the middle of nowhere with: 

10 acres with a view of trees and horses, crickets chirping, summer breezes thru wind chimes, a fire pit, a garden, a pool and lots and lots of fresh air to breathe!

However!  All of that loveliness on the zillow site didn't also mention:

Crickets- indoors!  Spiders- indoors!  Gardener snakes under bushes and in door crevices, carpenter ants, mosquitos, mold, wood rot, mystery bugs, mystery poisonous plants and yes, Sarah has now confirmed she's still allergic to a certain variety of shrubbery!  

A friend sent me a cartoon from the New Yorker that reads "I'm bored, let's buy a house in the country with lots of problems" Yes. WE ARE SOME OF THOOOOOOSE PEOPLE!  

I say to Jerry Seinfeld's thoughts on NYC - easy to say New York isn't dead when you aren't trapped in a 1 bedroom apartment with the sirens blaring non stop thru a PANDEMIC! The view is pretty nice from Long Island eh Jerry?...so to all THOOOOOSE other people out there in the same boat as us fleeing the hell they've recently lived thru and just now scraping into a COVID free safe environment where they can sit outside in the sun with out a mask sipping a coffee.... throwing down our cold hard (tip money thru the years) cash all at once on the great escape - GO!  BE FREE I SAY!  LIVE THE DREAM!

Still trying to figure out how to relax in to the beauty while also feel slightly on edge that something is going to creep out or fly up to kill me, but we are figuring it out.

It's ok though, as my mother says, we've simply exchanged bed bugs and cockroaches for another variety of friend...if anything, the cockroaches aren't looking quite so bad anymore!

A few things I'm still figuring out about our surroundings that also require a certain amount of bravery.

• How much well water do we have before it runs out mid shower and what's actually in it?
• When will the chill night air calm the alarming amount of creepy things?  When will they stop creeping me out?
• Is it safe to use the oven - when the gas guy said...'eh...it's ok? I mean, it'll work for now, but you're going to want to replace it!"
• Can I buy and ride a lawnmower?

All things I will figure out with time.  I'm excited for this new journey in adulthood and moving beyond 'ok' to 'facing my fears and growing into something bigger'.  I dare to face a new day, bring on the bugs and the 'is that a bad noise' moments and feel a little bit...BRAVE!