I/me

I am in all likelihood what people now call a they/them...I'm 80% butch wearing outdoor gear and knee high rain boots everywhere I go - I'm often the one in my queer relationship to do the manly grunt work or kill a bug and I love that - walking the land or doing yard work, if someone were to walk out and find me in my happy place - I probably look like a dude!  The same could likely be true for me wife - we are both pretty in touch with our masculine sides let's just say.  

But.... I have long hair in a bun, and once in a blue I throw on a dress for funsies and a little lipstick and heels for the wow factor and just love that feeling of femininity flowing out of me!...but like, once a year!  I honestly prefer to go without any pronouns or have people call me whatever they're comfortable calling me, and after 39 years of being a she - I'm pretty all right with that concept and understanding and actually - it being Women's month - pretty darn proud of being included in that category and all the struggles and proud moments that come with it!

My mom called it a few years ago when I came out to her and talked a little also about gender identity - she said...."Sarah, YOU ARE A SARAH!  Always have been always will be."

After that, I don't know why but a weight was lifted.  I knew.  My mom has always apparently known as moms sometimes do.  My wife knows.  My therapist is pretty cool with it.  I can talk about things when they come up to people I love when I get frustrated and they go.. oh sure yeah of course!  You're you!  that makes sense! 

I'm realizing that although I've been on my own queer advanture thru life - the world is a changin'!!!

There's a gay fad phenomemon going on right now which is...AMAZING?!?!?  but possibly confusing!   It's cool to be gay who knew!!!  There's the slightest chance that beautiful young queers are looking around at the world looking FOR people like THEMSELVES and asking...  "WHERE ARE YOU?"  

I remember craving queer role models as a kid - any anywhere - I'd find butch gay women in the randomest of places and latch on most of them not publicly out - fascinated by who they were and wanting to know everything!  Teachers.  Friends of friends.  Celebrities.  I was drawn to them and their intense beauty and power but never close enough to ask the real nitty gritty questions - lists of questions - private personal intimate shouldn't ask questions - what I still want to know actually - because it's me really figuring myself out as I go too!  Do you shop in the mens section too or do you buy your clothes online to avoid the stares?  Isn't it frustrating the pants never fit right?  Where do you go for your haircut or do you do it yourself?  Do you feel forced to wear makeup or do you like it?  

YOU QUEER KIDS TODAY (said in my old lady cranky voice) didn't grow up in the same culture of Ellen getting cancelled and Churches shutting doors...  wedding cakes not being sold with little man and man toppers because the bakery refused... AIDS!  When I was in high school, as the first woman was admitted to West Point (and hazed out), gays were being thrown out of the military or told to keep it secret with 'don't ask don't tell'.  Health insurance didn't cover adoption or IVF - so no chance of having a family - I didn't even know what IVF was!  I would turn on the news and hear about a boy in a small town getting beaten to death for being gay, as I packed my high school bags and applied to go to an arts high school my Junior/Senior year not 'just' to study music, but find a refuge to be myself and feel included - to find others like me who were "Jennys" and "Steve's" and "Emily's" and I did!  At all different places and parts of that beautiful queer spectrum - and I haven't stopped now no matter where I've gone and it's magical.

That being said, there's so many added levels now to all these big decisions for young queers I didn't have to worry about - because I didn't have to decide!  I could just be whatever I was - no label!  I gave myself a lot of time to slowly unravel my puzzle - discovering who I was a little piece at a time thru college and friends and boyfriends and girl friends and roommates and messy silly funny moments - now husbands (just the one) and wives (also just the one) and lots of beautiful happy relationships shining me on towards my me-ness still - every day!

So now, the question is - how do I help and be there for that next generation of queers?  How do I support and show love for them to be the best them's they can be?  I guess maybe it's just being me?  Existing and choosing to be loud and present about it in my me ness exactly as I am and looking forward to what that next beautiful generation will bring and create to make a better world from what I grew up in and generations before.  

educated by nature

 I was on a call with my doctor (first good one I've had in New York State) and he sees my MN area code...he says....  I'm from Minnesota too!!!!  I'm about to lose him - he's leaving the practice upstate to work on an Indian Reservation ....  the guy is not only good at what he does, he's good period.  I'm so bummed to lose him as my doctor.

It made me think about our education system - where we live and how we learn -  and how it does carve us - who we are inside - into who we become and what we do....where we go next.....

Cara was educated in New York City - she ditched classes, failed often, and didn't enjoy going to school and she ademently wants our kids to go to NYC public schools!  She believes they'll learn the social skills they will need to survive the streets and get by living in the city.

Cara has hideous grammar - can't spell - can't write a sentence without deleting half of it - according to many the school system failed her.... but!  The girl can get anywhere in the city driving/training/walking without fear - can talk to anyone she meets anywhere - makes friends exceedingly fast - because those were the life skills she needed and knew she had to learn!

She makes more money than me, better benefits  - an incredibly steady job that she's passionate about that takes her on fancy work trips and dinners with a company car she can drive anywhere - she's doing great!  Her education got her exactly what she needed - the ability to communicate with New Yorkers!

I was educated in the St. Paul city school system - a mix of public school / art school / a LOT of time at the library and private music classes 1:1, reading books in my basement every summer and learning how to learn.  My education was pretty much designed just for me - straight A's in school with extra curriculars nights and weekends to go the extra mile and learn what I wanted to learn - an introvert who liked to be alone and think. - I don't know if I care where our kids go to school - as I figure they'll absorb what they need when they need it with parents like us.

I have pretty all right grammar skills and I use them 8 hours a day to make a living alone in my house!  At this point I can likely survive anywhere because I can work remotely - and can go an entire day not talking to anyone not leaving my house and still get a pay check (not a good thing necessarily but a fact) 

Doctor guy was educated in a suburb of Minneapolis down the road - he was likely educated in one of the best suburban schools with sports programs and music and art programs that pushed college early learning and career planning with impeccable math and science courses -  possibly with doctor parents - just a guess!

The kid obviously has incredible reading/writing/math skills - and now works whatever jobs he wants to when he wants to where he wants to - to make the world a better place - with a long career in front of him that pays substantially more than Cara or my jobs ever will.  

I wonder where he'd want his kids to go to school!

We are all happy with our jobs...happy people!  Doing what we love!  But to say the system is fair for everyone is simply untrue.  We were each of us sculpted and designed to do the work we now do based on our educations and where we grew up.  We learned the skills we needed to survive in our environments and that led us each to where we are now and what we will do down the road.  

I learned how to learn.  So did Cara.  So did my doc.  We are all doing our parts in the world - but do some of us get a little more leg up than others to get their start based on how good their school systems are?  Yet, Cara wants our kids to learn the skills she learned in NYC.....isn't that interesting!

year of the dog

I was born in the year of the dog, but to me, this is the year of the dog.  My dog.

I wake up to dog sniffing my face and little tail thwacking the floor.  That means get up.

At night if she hasn't decided to perch in Cara's dirty laundry pile or enjoy a solo evening out on the sofa, Cara gently tucks a blanket over her in the doggy bed by her bedside. That's the official end of the day.

Penny and I, we cohabitate on an acquaintance level, but with Cara....it's true love.

Penny is Cara's partner in crime - she'll put up with me feeding her, taking her for walks and sleeping a few feet from me while I work....and yes, I guess that could go for either of them HA!  They'll stare into each others eyes lovingly, cuddling away and kiss one another's faces and forget I'm in the room!

Shortly after Penny joined our family, Cara stated "I've never felt a love like this" 

I try not to take it personally....  :)

Penny will melt or flop onto Cara's lap - or nestle into the side of her body at random - usually with lip kisses and tail thwacks of pleasure- I've learned to see the difference in her face when she dog smiles - just the tiniest view of teeth, eyes half closed, tummy up in the air - complete and total contentment.

She'll follow Cara from room to room, laying by her side in case Cara needs her.

She knows when Cara has eaten, requesting lap time immediately after Cara's finished eating and feeling full - Cara said out loud a few nights ago - she thinks it's a pak thing - that Penny expects cuddles together after either of them feels satiated by food.

So, I get to be a guest at the table to this dynamic duo - the amount of love I feel for both of these adorable cuddlers is....astonishing to me!