Frustration.....!!!!....#$$%^!

So.

I've been slacking.

In honor of my temporary decision to surround myself in as much English as possible, I've dedicated myself to my computer screen and the television screen, any screen that keeps me from reality....culture shock, denial, call it what you will...I miss the English language and people who speak it.

"How's the spanish going?" Are words I've come to dread....my tongue hurts.

When someone speaks to me in Spanish, an odd dear in the head lights situation occurs, my mind goes blank and I say something like...  "Uhh"  "Huh?"

It sucks.

Meet my temporary best friend:

I have now spent most of TWO days watching videos of.....Charlie.

I love Charlie.  He speaks English.  He speaks British English!

We are in a relationship.....but can you blame me?!?  He's lovely!

The thing is....as much as I hate to admit it, Charlie is not going to be talking back to me from my computer screen any. time. soon.....poop.  This is a one way street with a dead end.

Whether I like it or not, I have to face facts....there are lots and lots of people, right HERE in Santiago, absolutely excited to communicate with me on a daily basis...it's just not in English.

Today while flipping channels, I also happened to flip to the movie Mr. Hollands Opus to the exact scene where his wife is screaming in the kitchen freaking out with her son (who's deaf) sobbing on the floor at her feet.."I WANT TO SPEAK TO MY SON! I DON'T CARE WHAT IT TAKES! I WANT TO SPEAK TO MY SON!!!!!" and it started to set in....

Spanish.  

It's the one thing holding me apart from the world I live in and without it, I might as well be that kid laying on the kitchen floor screaming in frustration, because that's just about how I feel inside....mute.  

I can't continue living like this.  I can't keep relying on my husband to speak for me, especially as an adult, with adult feelings and adult things to say to other adults.  Conversations with Simon (my 3 month old nephew) are fun, but not very constructive on a social level.

I have no answers at this point, accept perhaps bang my forehead harder against this ginormous invisible concrete wall in front of me.  Die of embarrassment at every possible opportunity.  Sound like a complete imbecile as often as possible.  Welcome to my world.