Ralph

It was in the quiet times - the gentle sway of trees with birds singing, the sound of the water gently nudging the little fishing boat out on the lake, the clock in the living room dinging away the minute and the hour - where I felt most at peace in my grandfather's company.

I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up, not out of requirement to get me out of my parents hair, but because I enjoyed their company.  I would ask to be dropped off for a weekend, simply to soak myself in the energy of their lives.  I liked the quiet and the calm.  I liked the easy conversation.  I liked them!

I was often my best self around him.  We had...a lot in common.  Not the ones at the table to keep a conversation going, but with the random facts thrown out to make someone chuckle.  I felt comfortable in my own skin with my introverted quietness.  I felt understood.  I felt loved.  I felt respected and seen as someone special.  He never pushed me to do something, but understood the need to sit and read or think or play music, zone out with an old movie.  I would sit at the table in the morning and between his endless cups of watered down coffee *Something he's passed down to me* 

He'd make me eggs for breakfast, often with assorted pastries and treats purchased at the store that morning.... 

"What?"  He'd say to my grandmother..looking down at the chocolate donuts... "They're for Sarah!"  

The last photo we took together 4/29/19 *He'd always date his photos

We'd sit and read the paper, looking out together at my grandfathers garden.  I'd listen to the stories of what's been planted, what animals have been trying to eat them and what he'd been doing to try and prevent or not prevent the eating of them.

Very recently I asked Cara to buy me a tiny vase for a single flower.  Grandpa used to go out first thing in the morning and pick a single flower for this beautiful tiny glass vase, often a little purple button looking flower and leave it on the table or the kitchen window sill.  It always made me happy.

His office was the guest room.  He set up the computer mouse to have a left handed side he constructed himself just for me.  I would sit at his computer til midnight and play solitaire, listen to the BBC and look around the room and absorb my surroundings.  Large jars of jelly beans.  Shelves and shelves of books.  His homemade collection of movies recorded from Sunday night tv movie nights - it felt so safe. 

We'd often sit together and watch videos he made of my cousins playing in yards, look at photos he took of them at different times in their lives.  He loved being a grandfather and great grandfather to all of us allbeit not the type for bear hugs or long visits - he showed it to others that came to visit - explaining who was in which picture on the mantel in the living room as they walked in and how proud he was of each of them, what they were up to now.

When I traveled the world - he traveled with me thru this blog.  He'd print out his favorite entries (all 100 of them) and review them with me when I came to visit once a year....for the travel book he knew I could write some day, when I was ready. 

He loved to learn and explore the world thru reading.  Blogs became my way to communicate to him and let him know I was ok in whatever country or city I was in.  Tell him what I was thinking about and interested in.  That I care about him.  That I loved him.

So grandpa, wherever you are now....I love you and I know how much you loved me and were proud of me.  I'm ok, I know you're ok too.  I'm so grateful for all our times together being exactly who we were inside our skins in the quiet times of birds singing, water lapping and clocks ticking.  

  

Siddartha

A boyfriend in college lent it to me to read when I was 18 - I'm almost 40 - Something I've been thinking a lot about is how much Siddartha changed thru the years - going thru times of hunger - fortune - friendships - relationships - isolation -  good, bad, pretty and ugly all on a road towards self, because in the end that's all we have.  There's probably a lot more to the story I'm forgetting - all that deeper meaning ethical moral high ground - be a good person stuff stuff - Buddha life - karma, energies - I know I know I'm missing a lot... but that process of living - time going by and life changing so drastically - that's the bit I can't get out of my head.

Since starting this blog back in 2009 just coming into my own making big adult decisions like moving and traveling (11 years ago now) - I have changed so much and yet I haven't changed at all.  I'm so rich in memories and experiences.  So lucky to have known and loved so many people.  So many special friendships and time spent talking and learning and laughing - people who helped me become my current self and I felt so fortunate to know and spend time with.

The hippy young musician with the photographer engineer husband traveling the world became a New Yorker Corporate Executive Assistant with a dog and a country home and a cheese selling wife with a big loud raucuous New Yorker Jewish Brooklyn family. 

Somehow, over 11 years - I changed and yet...I'm still me!  I'll grant you - maybe my brother and parents are the the only others on this planet who have met the many cat lives of Sarah - one after another after another.  Is it good?  Is it bad?  Have I made the best decisions?  Have I possibly made huge mistakes but did the best I could at the time? Could I have done better?  Dude....who knows!  

I don't play music anymore.  Or read books.  Or run. 

But...I garden.  Listen to A LOT of podcasts.  I read and write for a living and organize amazing people's lives from my living room....I even get health insurance for it.

I don't sleep in tents on beaches in Thailand.  Or bike 20 miles for beer.  Or read a novel in one day.  

I walk Penny along the bay and watch her sniff other dogs butts, I cuddle on the sofa with my wife watching crappy 90's rom coms and I eat an INSANE amount of amazing cheese.

I'm not 'in shape' but I'm not all that pudgy.  I like my face and I like how I look in a dress.

I still drink a lot of beer - don't care about fancy coffee and love grocery shopping.

Am I closer today to knowing who I am - than I was 10 years ago?  20 years ago?  Am I actualized?!?  

HA!  HELL'S NO! 

I can say...this girl knows how she likes to eat her eggs, drink her coffee and spend a Sunday afternoon.  

On this gayest weekend of all weekends - I'm grateful to all those amazing people all shapes, sizes, genders and ages that have helped this queer come into her current freckly slightly wrinkly but very happy skin.  

xoxoxo,

Sarah (puppy mom, home owner, friend, lover, wife, straight haired, bisexual/lesbian) 

battle of the bugs

When we first moved out into the country side we were afraid of things like... mice, deer, groundhogs, bears.

Funny enough, none of these are scary to me any more.  

Bears aren't interested because we don't leave food or bird seed out..

The groundhogs are happily nested a city block away and I've called a truce to our warfare.

Even the skunk who nested under our tractor shed has disappeared this week!

Deer - are a problem - but I'm getting excited for bow and arrow hunting season, when our neighbor calls in his plumber to enjoy the festivities.

The 5 foot long Black rat snack of the constrictor family that resides under our screened in porch - also a friend to our battle controlling the mouse community.

The hummingbird sized cicada killer wasp I found buzzing in my upstairs office one day - when google searched comes up as the gentle giant!

No...our current pains in the asses day in and day out are ticks.

Long socks, big knee high boots, leather gloves, deet, Soresto dog collars, mowing mowing mowing, pushing back brush, burning debree, hacking down tall grass and now...pestmaster services spraying every 20 days with some nature friendly minty solvent  - the battle is strong and real.

Cara wakes up in the night asking to be tick checked.  We shower.  We wash clothes.  We look everywhere and brush and re re brush Penny, but there are simply no guarantees.

It's a slight comfort that this has now made the national news as an issue and who knows!  Maybe they'll speed up the process for a human vaccine (Lucky Penny already got shot up with protection late last year.)

Sheepshead Bay start to the Summer

This is something I wrote a month back, but it made me smile so I'm sharing with you all now....

Like some people celebrate white pants and boat rides  There are certain magical signs in Sheepshead Bay Brooklyn that the 2 weeks of leather jackets, apple blossoms are over and it is once again scorching hot - pee smells and cooking eggs on pavement  SUMMER!

 The annual putting in of the air conditioners happened today  

this is not just a task, it is an event.

Where's the screws?   They're in the cup where I keep the screws. No, I taped them on with the duct tape I used to fill the holes in from last year.

Call your dad to come over with the special tool.

Just let me do it.

Is Meeg outside watching to make sure it doeesn't fall on anyone? 

Why is it always so hot the day we do this?  When will we wise up and put them in 2 weeks prior to it being scorching hot outside?

Out a little more - no in, no more to the left!  Let me do it! You're not doing it right!

Why don't the screw holes line up?  Is it ok that only 2 of the 3 screws still work?

You're reusing the duct tape from last year?  Don't leave your old tape on my bookcase! 

Usually on the same day - there is the 

gathering of the beach supplies from the closets 

Umbrella's, chairs, coolers, bleach blankets.... 

there's multiples and variations of each, so of course, 

Cara pulls out all of her fluffy comfort supplies, 

I pull out all of my minimalist lightweight high tech supplies 

and we meet somewhere in the middle

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Thank you. Covid. For....

My many mental health advisors over the last few months all recommended one similar thing to me on every zoom call as a means to 'get thru it'...GRATITUDE. 

So, when a great big doozy of a downer pops into my mind, once in a while I'll think it, stop for a sec and usually (sarcastically possibly but it counts) come up with a reason to be grateful for something related to it.

This morning I thanked Covid for helping me lose 15 pounds - no exercise, no dry January, it turns out anxiety burns calories and a diet of coffee, beer and sandwiches apparently helps keep the pounds off!  Haven't seen that tidbit mentioned in the lady magazines at the gym!

So in the spirit of Jimmy Fallon's thank you notes, here's a few things that have recently come to mind!

Thank you.  Covid......

For making the Grocery store the big event of the week/month/year.

For finding comfort in Apocalyptic end of the world movies and video games *shrug* It could be worse!

For learning how to make the perfect Manhattan...practice makes perfect!

For helping me get over my fear of the fire escape ladder to the rooftop

For giving me the time last March to really scrub those bathroom tiles with bleach and make them shine rather than go on my honeymoon to Hawaii

But for real now....

Thank you, Parents...for setting up a weekly Tuesday call with me where we laugh off the crazy and sympathize off the fear

Thank you, Penny....for rescueing us every morning with your little paws on the door and your adorable butt wiggles

Thank you, Cara....for not divorcing me before our wedding. 

Thank you, House....for all the adulting lessons you've given us

Thank you, Kyria...for inspiring to continue blogging/writing, or trying to (I have a lot of unshared drafts that will never be published from this last year!  HA!)

Thank you, Work...for giving me something to focus on and try to still be part of something useful and helpful.

Thank you, Friends....for forgiving me in the coming future for not talking to you very much this past year and suddenly getting back in touch.

Thank you, United and Hilton...for not going bankrupt before we can go on our honeymoon to use our non refundable vouchers.

Thank you, Mental Health professionals....for keeping me alive thru 2020.

Giving up control one wee wee pad at a time

 Our dog pees on the floor.  

We could choose to get upset about it (Which we have done plenty) 

- run to take her out at 6am in the morning

- stare down the puddle on the floor with frustration and regret 

- feel bad about ourselves that we didn't get up soon enough to avoid the unavoidable.  

- sopping up smelly mess pre coffee all while staring down the dog who did the deed, her smiling face and wriggling tail flailing around in euphoric excitement to see us and us - me - staring back exhausted and frustrated.

You gotta go you gotta go!

Well.  We've recently discovered a new option - Wee wee pads!  

Now we all get to sleep in, drink coffee and casually throw the door open at some point in the morning for Penny to sniff the snow. 

It just makes me wonder what other life changing solutions are right around the corner that I also may be beating myself up for every day, feeling bad about and not needing to...with work, with daily habits, with Covid.  Feeling I need to own or take care of or control in order to be a 'good person'.  Do things right.  Make things better.  Be safe. Be strong.  Handle the situation.  

This wee pad discovery has proven life changing as I spend a little longer outside while Penny sniffs around listening to the bird songs around the yard post coffee.

Pee happens!  I can freak out about it or I can accept it as part of life.  Enjoy my time with my wonderful fuzzy friend Penny, my beautiful wife and family, house that supports me, water that comes up from the ground and propane, electricity, even the wood chopped down by our new local friend Gordon that heats my home and keep me warm thru the night. 

and forgive and love and appreciate myself too a little while I'm at it.  Maybe someone else's whole day could be better if I had more wee wee pad options for life's tiny frustrations and large disasters.

Dog mama's

Our lives now revolve around a fur baby.  She's got a schedule to keep.  A bathroom routine and nap times.  She's got grandparent visits and photos and videos sent out to family and friends whether they like it or not.  She's indeed more than a dog to us and this day/this month/this year - I do not apologize for pouring ridiculous amounts of love into our furry adorable baby girl who occasionally poops in the living room.  

Penny/Pen Pen/the princess/pooper/wiggler min pin - 8 years of life and love she brings to the table of an unknown variety, but she's all fun and frollick and love.

She came to us covered in dandruff (worse than dandruff?  Just, layers and chunks of dead skin) wouldn't eat or play much but still had a glow of love in her eyes and now, she's transformed into an energetic bundle of joy who can both curl up into a ball you can't find under a blanket and stretch out to greyhound like length across the sofa, in between, you can hear the light delicate scampering of her dog feet on wood and tile, securing the premises and checking on us crazy mamas.

She has an adorable nose and a very active long tail.  Big foxy ears that perk up like sonar devices for deer and horses and mailmen but slick back when she's focused on a walk or cuddling or sitting in the car driving us with her nose aimed forward staring down the road  - Cara says she's driving the car with her mind...until she gets tired and has decided I'm doing ok and cuddles into Cara disappearing into a black furry ball sometimes with her head gently resting on the window ledge.  Dainty feet and dangly legs that always seem longer when she's curled up in a ball.

She's sort of trained?  Let's just say it's all a work in progress.  Some accidents in the house.  Some barking.  Some scratching at the door.  Some running ahead and possibly a few times wandering over to the neighbors house off leash (so that's not quite there yet) 

She doesn't like being in crates (clawed her way out of her cloth zipper closing travel crate and demolished a blanket the first week) and the one room of the house she's refused to sniff out is the basement so perhaps there's a story to that.

She doesn't bark and other dogs or humans on leash, loves to sniff everyone (including people sitting at cafe tables outdoors) and looks RIDICULOUSLY adorable in her fur lined red velvet coat we bought for her with Cara's mothers help.  

She still has a UTI and on her second round of drugs for it, but the nasty ear infection she came with is gone. Not sure what to do and looking for DIY options that are cheaper than buying $80 dog food.  I poured a little apple cider vinegar into her water this morning and we'll try and get as much liquids in her as we can!  

Apparently she was on the streets prior to her 2 month stay at the Ulster County SPCA where they really did fix her up from quite a few other ailments before we got her... she's had Lyme's at some point in her life.  Ring worm or heart worm I can't remember...  All stray dog related with nothing really critical or scary.  We can't figure out WHO would want to give such a great dog up, with her spunky energy and her  continual patience and understanding when it's 'quiet heads down time while the mommy's work'.  She DOES require a lot of attention which we are more than able to give.  My theory is that perhaps they passed on and she simply ran off.  She's got a very patient soul so it feels like she's used to someone with low levels of energy but lots and lots of time for cuddles and lap time.  I wish I could have met them and talked to them, known what her favorite toys were with them.  When they went on walks and bathroom breaks and what secret language they used to know when things had to happen.  I still don't speak or understand Penny fully.  

I had no idea how amazing it would be to have a dog, but possibly specifically our Penny.  No idea.  Although I'm not her favorite alpha mom (That's CARA - no surprise there) she let's me brush her til her coat is shiny, keeps me warm under the blanket watching movies as my dog heat pad, reminds me to get up in the morning with the sun with a scratch on the door, or otherwise gives me the excitement to start my day and come find her under her blanket, tail wiggling when she here's my voice even before she opens her eyes to the day.

I buy her a lot of things.  Really ridiculous unnecessary things as she is my true little princess.  She requires a designer white fur donut to sleep in, the highest of quality squeaky toys, we are experimenting with treats and toys and puzzles and pull things and also now has a complete doggy grooming and tooth brushing kit, although I'm a little terrified to try any of it.  She's on more pills and drops and ointments and body conditioners than I've taken or purchased for myself in over a year (which probably means I'm not pampering myself enough)   Where's my new toys and puzzles?  Oh right...Penny is it!

I get excited again now thinking about places to adventure with her.  With everything shut down, trails and dog parks and just walking around a new neighborhood are exciting activities, even driving with her is a thrill as you can see how excited she is to be part of the fun.   

So in this New Year of crazy unknowns, it's nice to be excited about quality time with Penny.